Oh how I love good food – man food, the kind of meaty good stuff that God sent to us in the form of four-legged critters. Any meat that is red (steaks and burgers, burgers and steaks) and grilled on an open flame is mucho delicioso. Any pork product (ribs, chops, loin) that is smoked, cured, killed and grilled is my kind of stuff. Any chicken (wings, thighs, breasts or beer canned) that is battered, fried, wing sauced or charred over fire is for me. And let’s not forget the lamb chops. Yessuh! I really should weigh 500 pounds but I think that will eventually catch up to me in later years when I’m older and crustier.

I’m telling you that I could go to a cigar dinner every single night of the week. Of course I’d weigh six hundred pounds, smell like a junkyard fire, and women would never come near me. Ah, such is the price of a great time with some great cigars.

To me, there’s nothing more awesome than attending car and bike shows on a nice, sunny, weekend afternoon. And amongst the fabricated metal, chrome, rubber, and jiggling silicone, you’ll instantly smell the intoxicating fragrance of cigar smoke, wafting through the sweet summer air. I’ll basically find any excuse to smoke a cigar, and these shows are just a terrific place to fire up the stogies while oogling at the bad rides and the even badder ladies. (Okay, there’s no such word as badder, so artistic license definitely applies here.)

I admit that I don’t ride a bike, but I have an incredible fascination for motorcycles. When engineering meets art, I start to grunt like Tim Allen, and the best thing about being at a show is that you’re among a throng of uncontrollable grunters. The many customized Harleys are amazing to behold, but I am equally blown away by some of the Japanese bikes that have mimicked the American bad boy look. And those Indians, both new and old, are just stunning pieces of fine-tuned machinery. I’ll spend several hours walking, looking ooing, ahing, and of course, smoking. When you come across other BOTL’s who are making the same primordial sounds as you, and instant bonding takes place and you know you’re amongst kindred spirits.

Vintage cars are also incredible works of art and the gazillions of man-hours that go into creating these beauties is mind-boggling. The pride that the car owners feel as they display their super-charged beasts is so evident. They love nothing more than watching onlookers stick their heads under the open hood to marvel at the workmanship. I always have to be careful while leaning in because if my cigar’s ash happens to flicker into the engine or the front seat, I’ll no doubt have my ass kicked and removed several miles from the premises. One thing I’ve learned is that if you want to make good friends with these gearheads, say nice things about their four-wheeled babies and offer them up a premium stick of tobacco. We’re talking friendship at first sight.

The third piece of the equation has to do with duel carbs of a different persuasion. There’s no other way of saying it, but then chicks at these shows are stinkin’ hot, hot, hot! The younger one’s get so creative when approaching the fine art of covering their naughty bits. Tank tops, cut off shorts and high-heeled shoes are such a great combination, don’t you think? And at the bike shows, it’s lots of leather and lace, no matter how high the mercury climbs. Hot chicks and cool rides is all a man can ask for – okay, cold beer, a grilled cheeseburger, and a humidor full of handrolled island goodness makes the list a tad more complete.

My favorite sites are the older gals, the cougar mamas who still got the goods – or just think that they’ve still got the goods. Okay, there’s a little more padding in the seats and the headers are a little lower than years gone by, but I gotta give high marks to the experienced gals who still give it a go. The last bike show I attended, a 40 plus honey in a leather bra and matching shorts asked if I had another cigar for her. And like the good ex-boy scout I am, I came prepared. This elder hottie from New York drove all the way down to Fort Lauderdale with her equally hot friends to show off their wares in a number of ways. Gloria was riding a Harley 100^th Anniversary V-rod and I don’t think I was ever so turned on in my life! What a woman – drop dead gorgeous, smart as hell, sitting on a 628 pound silver and chrome beast, while enjoying the big-ass Montecristo Classic I just gave her. Hey, I knew I didn’t have a shot in hell, but I had a V-Rod of my own at that moment and I needed that vitamin B shot for my ego.

You gotta love it, guys… Bikes & Cars, Chicks & Cigars – can you even fathom a better combination? My advice is to get out to your local show when it comes around, break out the premium stogies, and just maybe Gloria will be smokin’ for you too.

is known for sunshine, heat, beaches, and white knuckle driving blue hairs. But Florida is also a haven for guys who ride motorcycles, especially Harleys, choppers and other wild-ass tricked out bikes. Plus cruise any highway and you’ll see the coolest cars imaginable, from Porches, Lamborghinis, and Ferraris, to vintage Vettes, Mustangs, and other muscle machines, to custom hot rods that will blow your mind. And lastly, we’ve got women. Women who don’t wear a whole lot when the temperature is high, and that’s always a good thing for us red-blooded American males. Put these variables all together and you’ve got enough testosterone to make your own personal gladiator flick.