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Golf and Cigars
Written by Kevin Godbee

Wednesday, 27 May 2009

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Tags:
golfleisure and relaxation
sports


 

Speaking of cigars at golf and weddings, both rituals are facing extinction as the dreaded Smoke Nazis want our beloved pastime completely eradicated. You can’t smoke indoors any longer so the groom, and the best men can’t enjoy a great smoke to celebrate the day. And now many courses are actually banning cigars and would you believe the ash-holes behind it all use “second-hand” smoke as the rallying cry? Second-hand smoke…on a monstrous open aired, outdoor golf course? I can tell you right now I will absolutely boycott any course that prohibits cigars, and if I do happen to play one, I will light up until they drag my sorry ass off, kicking and screaming the whole way.

 

You meet all kinds on the course, and that’s half the fun, sometimes. Recently, I played with a couple of big, fat old timers, the type that smoke billy-club sized cigars. But I take that back because they don’t seem to smoke them, they just chew them as the slobber flies everywhere. I felt like I was with a couple of goddamned St. Bernards. They had these ten-inch, 60 ring, bundled sticks that you could hit a major league fast ball with. They offered me one and out of politeness I accepted, but after two holes my jaw was exhausted and my lower lip stretched out an inch or two. Plus they were extra mild and I realized that taste wasn’t nearly as important to these guys as chewability. These behemoth sticks just naturally make you slobber and our threesome was a disgusting site to say the least.

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You know if for some reason you forget, or run out of cigars while on the course, you can usually count on the cart girl to have a few sections to choose from. Damn, if she’s cute, I don’t care if I have my humidor with me, I’m calling her over. “Yeah, a Heineken, a Milky Way, a bag of Fritos, and I’ll take one of those Padrons... Eighty dollars?!… WTF?!!!” You quickly realize that the cart girl is an evil harpie, in cahoots with course management to fleece you out of every last picture of Washington, Lincoln, and Hamilton in your wallet. If you just stopped for a moment to use rational thinking, you’d understand that a hot 23 year-old, pony-tailed, college honey in short-shorts wants very little to do with a sweaty, stinking, delusional, 45 year-old letch, who possesses a nasty slice. Men are such pathetic suckers – and isn’t it great?

 

Wow, all this talk has me geared up for a good round – or a bad round – or any round. It doesn’t matter. As I said, golf is an amazing escape from reality and better yet, a great excuse to light up some premium hand rolled cigars with your best pals… or two fat, saliva-flinging bastards. It really doesn’t matter. As long as you’re out there swinging and smoking and swearing, life is good.






Comments 

 
0 # BOTLFiddlegrin 2009-05-26 22:14
Hee-Hee-Hee-Hee hahahaha!

Ah-mee, Thank you Jon, that was classic!

I too enjoy a stick with my sticks and appreciate your way of being.

Kudos for bringing goodies to share with our Gar-challenged friends.

"A gar on the course is worth 5 in the dor!' As I am wont to say....;-)

There is nothing like the look of rapturous joy on the face of a friend we just met, when we lay a stick on em!

Best wishes, Dafiddla

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0 # It was actually Kevin who wrote the pieceJon Caputo 2009-05-27 01:41
But I am sure he will appreciate the sentiment none the less - thanks!

;-)

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0 # First cigar on a courseRay Addas 2009-05-27 12:16
About two years ago, when I first started smoking cigars, I lit up on about the 5th hole. One the 6th, a long par 4, my second shot was about 160 yards out. I placed my cigar down next to me, and swung...right in the whole, my first eagle. I ran for the whole to confirm. Sorry to say the cigar went out, but I was never more happy to relight!

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