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Written by Kevin Godbee

Monday, 11 January 2010

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All of us have our demons. Don’t deny it, there’s something in your life that you uncontrollably lust and crave for. Something out there floats your boat and makes you nutty with total nuttiness. No matter how hard you try, you can’t think of anything else. Like Silvo Dante would say on the Sopranos, “Just when I thought I was out...they pulled me back in!”  

 

Some folks like to abuse their bodies with an overabundance of alcohol, drugs and even food. Some have bizarre addictions, like for instance, watching Laverne and Shirley reruns on Nick at Night. We all have our crosses to bear. But for me, and maybe you, it’s of course, none other than a rampant addiction to premium, hand-rolled cigars.

When I say addiction, I don’t mean like cigarettes where you have to stand outside in the pouring, freezing rain to catch a few drags to satisfy your nicotine craving. Since you are a cigar fanatic as well, you know what I mean. Maybe the word addiction should be replaced by the term “love affair.” The more I think of it, that’s exactly what it is – a love affair that knows no bounds. In the Rudyard Kipling poem, the Betrothed, the author talks about dumping his chick, choosing his precious smokes over her.  Many a man has taken a heavy fall for his cigars, and it’s a love that only a cigar smoker can understand.

Okay, maybe you could say that I’m “addicted to love” of my cigars. I’ll give you a perfect example. Today, a package is due to arrive via UPS, with 5 different 5-packs from a popular internet mail order cigar company. Let’s look at the cigars: dark and oily Liga Privada #9’s, golden brown La Gloria Serie R’s, luscious Africa churchills, full flavored 601 Green labels, and five delicious Padilla Miami’s. As you might understand, I have been thinking about the arrival of this package since the moment I woke up. It’s now 10 am and I’m jonesing like a mutha for these smokes. I can’t eat and I actually have the shakes. What the hell, man? I’m strung out. 

And while I admit that I’m “bad”, there are many of you a hell of lot worse off than myself. I know guys with homemade coolerdors – five or six of them, filled to the brim with hundreds of and hundreds of high-end, quality stogies – each one dated and separated by cedar sleeves. These guys are brutally OCD about their collections, and I really don’t think it’s even about smoking them… it’s just a sickness, to obtain them, then open the lid periodically and take a huge whiff. But I have to admit, the thought of that does make me sport wood. Some of these guys are really bad and I’m NO WHERE nearly as hooked as them.

Okay, godammit… when the hell are those dark and mouth watering smokes gonna get here fer crissakes? Come on Brown, where are you and what the hell can you do for me! Damn, I actually have saliva dribbling down my shirt. This is a bad scene, guys. I honestly believe that I’m a freakin’ junkie and the heebee jeebees have thoroughly set in.

What’s really psycho is that while waiting for that damned bounty of leafy goodness to arrive, I’m pouring through the company’s catalog, salivating and thinking about another order. They make the photos of these things look so amazing and it really has out-rivaled looking through nudiebooks at this point in my life. I figure that sending several smaller dollar amount orders is psychologically better than one big order. Plus I get to feed my fix during the course of several days and weeks, instead of in just one shot. Kind of like for Christmas, getting a bunch of video games and street hockey stuff, instead of one bicycle. Okay, I know I’m mental, but this kind of justification works for me, so back off!

Everybody’s big on this salamon size of cigars, and a lot of the brands are making them. Day-um, these look so sweet! But then again, these oscuro robustos are dripping with oils. And look at the sheen on those long and lean panatelas! Homina, homina, twenty-three skidoo! Shwing!

Lord, I am in serious need of help. And the other bad thing about this “love addiction” is that it’s costing me a fortune! I really don’t think the family needs to eat as much as they used to and air-conditioning here in Florida is just so overrated. OKAY… WHERE THE HELL IS THE F!@#in’ UPS DUDE?!!! If he’s not here in a few minutes my head is going to…

DING-DONG!...

Yes, there is a God! He’s here, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy…

Washing machine parts?!!! All you brought are washing machine parts that my inconsiderate wife ordered?!  You would tease me like this, man in brown?! God help me, but my head is gonna…

What …wait…how’s that? There’s another box? YES THERE IS!!! It’s the bounty of island goodness I’ve been waiting for! (As I slam the door in the poor dude’s face, completely overcome with hysterical exhilaration!)  My luscious stogies are here and it’s like the equivalent of some skid-row junkie, mainlining crack! Come to poppa, you brown little sexy cylinders! Come to your new daddy. I’m going to smoke each and every one of you right down to your tan little nubs.

Well, that’s enough for me. I got some getting’ busy to do before the wife gets home, if you know what I mean. Wait… it’s not what you think. Well, yeah, I guess it is.




Comments 

 
+1 # HilariousMike 2010-01-20 12:53
Seriously, that was funny as hell. But yah I know the feeling.

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+1 # I think we were seperated at birth bro.Ron 2010-01-29 18:50
Damn Brother , I think we must have been separated at birth cause you and I are identical in the way we think about the leaf.
I almost thought I was the one who wrote that story, it is so much like me it isn't funny.
Damn what a Trip to know I am not the only freak out there that has the love of the leaf like that. I got to make my wife read this so she can see that I am truly not the only cigar nut case out there, ( those are her words in case you couldn't figure that out. ) LOL
Do you think they have a doctor out there for guys like us ?? Not that I feel we need one but I have been told that there is something seriously wrong with me for buying every kind of cigar known to man.
If they only knew, if they only knew. I think if they did, they would be right next to us in the cigar bar or in line at the local cigar store. I can't tell you how much better I feel knowing that I am not the only man with the serious addiction for the leaf, it should be outlawed to feel this good when that door bell rings and the new order comes, finally.
I better watch what I say because that statement might come true sooner than we think, the way our Government and all those non smoking liberals want it and if they get their way about things. :lol:

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