Movie review: SHOOT EM UP!

[KASR]

*** SPOLIER WARNING: a humorous one tho ***

OK, so Duck and I got the movie SHOOT EM UP and decided that give it a go. Maaaaaaaann, talk about a bad move on our part!

What do you do when you have a boatload of gun blanks, tons of bloodpacks, a few good actors (one really good one) and a laughable storyline? You make a movie of course!!!

From the initial trailers, this movie showed a little promise but as soon as you pop in the DVD, you realize that any promises are kissed away along with the 90 minutes of your life that would have been better spent arranging your photo album!

I can't decide what was worse: the unrealistic background story of the ex-pawnshop, carrot-gobbling vigilante anti-hero or the kinky, breastfeeding hooker who just happen to have the needed lactose pumps for the unbreakable baby? This movie is literally one ridiculous turn to the other and offers little in the way of meaningful story, moral value or anything redeemable.

Let's go down the checklist:

Clive Owen being a bad ass: check
Monica Bellucci sluttin' it up: check
Paul Giamatti raking in an easy paycheck: check
One butt tonne of blood and bullets: check

Let's face it - I wasn't expecting the Thin Red Line, but it was almost as unbearable! had you inserted random droning internal dialogue, I may have just slit my wrist and left my wife a fortune in life insurance!!!

This flick has it all: dead-eye dick aim from the hero - they guy can't miss ANYTHING! A breast feeding brunette who is willing to suck a little manjuice to pay for some diapers and formula - Point Break parachute gun fight - machine gun boobie-trapped maze scene, and a baby that has to be the reincarnated version of Wolverine as he proves throughout the movie that no level of whiplash/shellshock can damage his rubbermaid bones. And believe me, they really stretch even MY imagination at this end.

The movie doesn't disappoint in one area: each scene is more ridiculous and loosely tied as the next. And as any pointless flick, there is no shortage of gratitous and misplaced sex: in this case, our hero and the hooker take the necessary time to give the audiencea PG-13 side-shots of Monica Belluci's breast pumps and our hero delivers his goods even as a goon-squad of government assasins interrupt them mid-coitus. But that doesn't deter our hero - he continues to do that deed while dispensing some gun-justice, finishing off the goons and satisfying the hooker which is truly ridiculous! If Viggo Mortensen has taught us one thing (aside from how to thrash orcs and goblins with a elven reconstructed broadside or how to beat the ever-living piss out of a shaved Demi Moore) it's the while your fighting for you life against two russian mafia hitmen, your manlihood looks anything BUT manly. (see: Eastern Promises)

My advice: Skip it...it's not even worth your time and woe to those that don't heed this warning.

[Kaisersozei]

Nice review! Of course, I now have to put that in my blockbuster que, just to see how over-the-top it really is. Planet Terror & Deathproof must have whet my appetite!

And Eastern Promises is da bomb, yo!

[carbonbased_al]

Ha yea, I didn't like this movie at all. But i did like the thin red line...

[Alpedhuez55]

A couple of months ago people posted how much they enjoyed it:

http://www.clubstogie.com/vb/showthr...ighlight=shoot

I thought it was a nice tribute to all those John Woo Hong Kong Movies like Hard Boiled and The Killer. Everyone overacts, the guns never run out of bullets when they should, the laws of physics do not apply, the plot has more holes than a beetle infested humidor at that smoke shop run by the Pakistani. But who gives a flying #@&%...you are not renting Citizen Cane here. It is a genre movie, and if you are into that genre, it was very well done. I thought it was much better than say Smoking Aces, which was an attempt at the same genre that fell flat.

I would highly recommend it if you are into that stylized action genre. If you do not like the genre, then don't bother renting it. It is basically a fun mindless 90 minute gunfight.