I wanna drop some cigars on someone ((contest))

[tsolomon]

This one happened recently to my wife and me, so the details are still fresh in my mind. The Maryland Virginia area has been hit by a number of storms lately and some involved tornados. My wife's brother runs a store over in an area of Virginia that was hard hit by these storms. We needed to go over there so we called him and asked how late he would be there. He told us he closes at 6:00, but is usually there until 8:00. The trip over in rush hour is always unpredictable, but he lives about a mile from the store in case we missed him. Well traffic was bad and once we got off the beltway and halfway to his store, the road was closed because of fallen trees and downed power lines. We turned around and went cutting through some other streets trying to find another way there. We called the store and didn't get an answer, but we still drove by and he wasn't there. We called the house and didn't get an answer, but we went by there next.

When we pulled up, both cars were in the garage and the garage door was open. My brother in-law and his wife have a fairly secluded place on a nice piece of land. We went up and knocked on the door, but nobody answered and it was dark inside. We heard voices out back so we went around to the backyard and caught them skinny dipping in the pool. Well as soon as he said hi, his wife started screaming and we retreated back around the corner. They eventually came around to talk to us wrapped in their towels with her saying that this is the first time they have ever done this and my wife said yeah right and started laughing.

It turns out that the reason they were in the pool is that hadn't had power for several days and they are on well water, so they didn't have any running water. Now his wife is from New York City and really can't handle being out in the countryside where you have all kinds of bugs and other creatures. So my wife and I are having a pretty good laugh as she is wrapped pretty tight and easily embarrassed, but it gets better.

I grew up building swimming pools and use to keep a lot of reptiles, so she started asking me how to keep the frogs out of the pool because they are fornicating in it. So I started laughing and she told me that what all the exterminators she had called had done and the last one told her to call a pet store. Well the story got even better because her next statement was that she called the exterminators because she was worried about that the frog eggs from the fornicating frogs would get inside her and hatch. She was serious about this and I'm not sure that she will ever speak to us again because we just couldn't stop laughing.

[NHsmoker]

Originally Posted by justinwb

Not mine but goes along the lines of yours and is the funniest story I have read, maybe someone will get a laugh out of it:



The Ryan's Steakhouse Story

.

When I read this I laughed so hard I cried. No joke my eyes were watering so much the tears were rolling down my face.

[n3uka]

Not quite as vivid as some here but it did happen to me:

While I was in the hospital a couple weeks ago, they were pushing for me to walk around as much as possible. When they explained this would help get me out of there quicker I obliged.

One evening after my parents had left for dinner I decided to walk around solo. I had to push my IV rack with me and used it to help steady myself also. I was quite high on the pain medicine from the IV so didn't feel much.

I walked all over the floor for about 20 minutes (more like a slow shuffle). I noticed alot of people were staring at me. Feeling a bit high I thought they were all impressed with how well I was walking so soon after abdominal surgery.

All of a sudden one of the nurses runs over and throws another gown over my shoulders. I had totally forgotten that my gown was untied because it was more comfortable to lay in bed without the straps. I had been walking around over 20 minutes with my bare ass hanging out and my doodads swinging akimbo. Not a pretty site when you consider I am 6' and 250 lbs. and don't look anything like a model.

There is also the time I walked out of the bathroom in my room buck naked and didn't know the nurse had left the door wide open to the hall. That young girl visiting her father in the room across the hall will never be the same, but that is a whole other story.

[mugen910]

OMG justinwb should win for having a freakin novel up there!.

Oh and I was laughing so hard I was crying!

[JamesRoberts]

O.K., I probably shouldn't be telling this story because my brother (BamaDoc77) is a frequent surfer at clubstogie and is sure to read this. I have an embarrassing story of him that I've told countless times so it kind of sucks that (if he reads this) he will now have "ammo" to fire back at me with now.

Back in 92, when I was a Junior in High School, I began dating a girl named Christy. I had an idea to take her to Noccalulla Falls in Gadsden one Saturday, which is about an hour away from where I live. I figured it'd be an enjoyable day to tour the park and walk around the falls. Here's a link so you can see-

http://outdoors.webshots.com/photo/1...35912642jDoeGe

Upon arrival at the park, both of us were pretty hungry so we decided to eat at the Jack's that was just outside the gate. I had this huge monstrosity of a Tex Melt sandwich that was covered in cheese with the buns saturated in grease. I knew I shouldn't of eaten it, but I was starving and it sure looked great on the posters as I walked inside.

After lunch, we made our way to the falls and begun to hike down the trail that takes you beneath the falls and winds for about 40 minutes down the side of the stream. Being a beautiful Saturday afternoon, the park was packed and I bet we passed more than 60 ppl. Singles, couples and families were out enjoying the beautiful day. After about 40 minutes of walking, we came to the trails end. Suddenly and without any prior warning of stomach rumbling or gas of any volume, I fired a liquid-cannon of a "shart" that literally scared it out of me. Christy whipped around to look at me then began laughing hysterically. After a few minutes of arguing for her to leave me, I finally convinced her to make her way back around the trail, and back up to the park to wait for me. Frantically, I began looking around and saw two huge boulders that were about 5 yards into the water. After taking off my flip-flops, I began to wade out into the knee high water. As I pulled my shorts off and threw them up onto the boulder, I noticed 2 dark streams of liquid running down the insides of my legs. I then heard a family approaching (kids yelling) I removed my fully loaded underwear, sent it sailing down the stream, washed off my legs, put my shorts back on and waded back out of the water. At that very moment, the family walked by as I began to put my flip flops back on.

Completely embarrased at this point I began the long 40 minute trek back up the trail to the park. As I passed families, I looked back every once in a while, only to see that "Damn, someone shit their pants" look on their faces. I was about 4/5 of the way back when my stomach began to rumble. As I stopped suddenly to try and stop the "push", I noticed a group of 10-15 kids and a chaperone up the trail headed my way. Suddenly I began "poking cotton" and knew that I was never gonna make it up to the park restroom in time. So I began running as fast as I could (in flip flops) towards and then past the children with the constant sounds of "bruup" "bruup" "bruup" "bruup" in my shorts.

I finally made it up to the park, went into the restroom, pulled my shorts off completely (luckily the main door had a lock) washed the funk out in the sink, put em back on, then walked with Christy through the hundreds of folks back to my jeep. After rolling all the windows down, I told her not to ask me any questions. Then we made the hour drive back to home.

[n3uka]

Wait, I almost forgot my story

When I graduated High School I took a year off and traveled overseas. While in Munich I was staying at a youth hostel that was outside of town and in the woods. I met with some other travelers and we went out sightseeing for the day. We returned to the hostel early afternoon and were going to hang out in the park and drink some beers. Something I had eaten didn't agree with me and I had to run to the hostel to use the bathroom. At the front desk I was advised that they were closed till 5 everyday and no one was allowed inside. I said all I wanted was to use the bathroom and I would leave. The guy quite rudely said no.

I walked back outside and saw that along the side of the hostel is a long ledge that extends off the bottom of the building. There are several bushes blocking the view of anyone nearby. I squat on the ledge and let all hell break loose. I didn't have any tp so I took off my underwear and used it. Figured I could go commando until they re-opened.

Later that night they come up to me in the rec hall and announce loudly that I would have to leave the next day. I ask why and they said it was because I had crapped along the side of the building. I said I hadn't and how could they prove it. The were quite happy to pull out the band from my underwear. I hadn't noticed that before I had left for Europe my mother had sown my name into all of my underwear.

Figured it was time to leave anyway so I headed for Heidelberg the next day

[omajinai]

When the wife and I were stationed in Okinawa in the mid early 90s, we did a "cultural exchange" program with some Okinawan teen agers.

We had seen them a couple of times, but had never met their parents and had a full evening planned with the kids and mom and dad. Unfortunately, mom (Hiromi) had to have emergency gall bladder surgery, so the plans went out the window. However, mom and dad still gave the kids money to take us out for a nice dinner.

After dinner was done, we went to the hospital to formally meet mom and dad, and spent several hours there doing the "introduction" thing, with the kids translating. While most of the middle aged Okinawans had learned some English in school, without practice, it was a lost art.

When it came time to leave, Hiromi decided to escort us down to the parking, although she was still in some pain from her surgery. Reaching back into the recesses of her mind, trying to remember the English she had learned twenty years earlier, she paused, waved, and in a loud voice, said "Go Away".

It took Chogo (the teenaged boy) about 5 minutes to stop rolling on the ground laughing before he could explain to mom, the difference between "Goodbye", and "Go Away".

For the next three years, after every time we visited, we parted with "Go Away".

[ellisb]

All these stories are damn funny, but The Ryan's Steakhouse Story might be the funniest thing I have ever read. Its going to be tough to beat that one. I've read it twice already and I havent stopped laughing.

-EB

[kgraybill]

Before I quit drinking I ended up in the hospital drunk as hell, they gave me some activated charcoal though my nose and then put me in a bed. I dont know how long I had been sleeping but when I woke up I had to go real bad so I stood up and the IV crashed to the floor and nurses came running in. I told them that I had to get to the restroom fast but they would not let go of me. I could no longer hold it and accidentally sprayed that black "crap" out of the back side of the open hospital gown all over the nurses that were holding me from behind. I was still extremely drunk and all I could say was "I told you I had to go NOW"

Im so glad I quit drinking!

[jbock]

My wife and I recently went out to enjoy one of our favorite meals together....sushi.

I am one who absolutely hates anything spicy. However, being the closet sadist that I am, whenever we go, my wife and I decide to have wasabe contests. We start out by pouring equal amounts of soy sauce into our own bowls and placing equal amounts of wasabe in each.

As the soy sauce dwindles, we keep adding wasabe. By the time we are nearing the end of the meal, we have a light brown paste that used to be a bowl of liquid. One of the best parts about this little contest, is the body's natural reaction to the intensity of the wasabe and what is funnier is the laughter that ensues while the rest of the people in the tiny restaurant stare at us.

Friday had some extra laughter that was a bit unexpected. I was on my last two pieces of sushi (the Alaska roll, which also has a spicy sauce on it). As I dipped my second to last piece into the wasabe paste, I did not realize the HUGE chuck that stuck to the bottom.

Immediately as it hit my tongue, it shot straight up the sinuses. I was instantly crying and struggling to breathe....and cracking up. I started drooling uncontrollably with my mouth hanging open and my wife was in tears cracking up. I was in such pain, but laughing so hard and crying. I started coughing, because there was a certain part of me that wanted to puke from the intensity of the wasabe.

My fear of puking was quickly relieved, when in the process of of coughing and laughing, I started farting...loudly, with each cough. Of course, I had to laugh even harder when that started. The wife politely started laughing harder. As if I did not know, she started trying to point out the fact that I was farting. Because she was laughing and crying so hard, she was not able to whisper this news and instead, in broken words, bellowed to the entire restaurant that I was farting.

The tables next to us were already entertained by our wasabe contest and started rolling when the farting commences. I tried to get up and walk out of the restaurant, but I could not manage to stand up straight, because I was laughing so hard. Not to mention I was still drooling, because I could not manage to keep my mouth shut.

I was finally able to get to the restroom. When I came out, everyone in the restaurant was staring at me. I looked at our table and my wife was gone. I figured she went to the bathroom, so I went back to our table and sat down. Everyone was still staring at me. The waitress came over and politely told me that I had to leave the restaurant and that we were no longer welcome to eat there. I told her I was sorry and would just wait for my wife to get out of the bathroom. The waitress told me that my wife had already been kicked out and that I would probably find her waiting outside.

I paid for my meal, then walked out with everybody staring. My wife greeted me with a Starbucks coffee as I exited the restaurant. I guess I have to find a new sushi place now.

Welp, there you have it.

Jim

[Drazzil]

Ill keep this contest open until I get the next shipping container from Joe cigar ((sometime next week)) I think the winner will be happy with the haul.

[pearson]

While very intoxicated at a party with a bunch of friends from school we were all making jokes, adn with plenty of good looking girls arround I try to blurt something out but it comes out as I LIKE SHEMALES!!!!! as loud as I could say it. After that I just ran and hid in the backyard and lit up a cigar and said that I had been back there all night.

[travclem]

DWI...





































On a John Deere 8300 series Tractor

[renton20]

Originally Posted by n3uka

Figured it was time to leave anyway so I headed for Heidelberg the next day

This story had me cracking up.

While this has nothing to do with I figured that as I can't sleep right now I might as well throw my hat into the ring.

So to set the scene: I am 16, drinking vodka and at my friend's house during my high school's lunchtime. My friends are all talking and laughing about one thing or another while I sit in quiet contemplation. All of a sudden, "What the hell kind of a sex toy is a shoe?!" I blurt out. All conversation comes to a complete halt as my friends turn and stare at me. "What do you mean," asks one friend of mine. "I don't know" is my only response. They stare for almost a full minute before forgetting what I said and going back to whatever they were doing before I spoke up.

Fast forward about three months to another day of debauchery and chemicals, when all of a sudden the memory comes racing back to me in a flash. This is how my train of thought went that day. We were talking about the mind and how it can play tricks on you from time to time. From there we began to discuss psychology and the father of modern psychology, Sigmund Freud. One of Freud's most revolutionary concepts at the time was that everything related to sex. Well I figured, if everything is related to sex, let's do a test. I picked the first random object I could think of to see how it was related to sex. Shoes seemed as random an object as any other so I began to concentrate on them. How could shoes relate to sex? Well, this train of though has been going on inside my head after Freud was mentioned. Back to the point, it seemed possible that a shoe might be used as a sex toy. This of course brings about an obvious question... What the hell kind of a sex toy is a shoe?

If anyone ever asks me why I don't use mind altering substances anymore, I tell them this story.

[Drazzil]

Man this is gonna be hard to choose the winner.