The worst cigar I ever smoked

[Lance]

Now that I have douched my mouth, I think I can take the time to discuss this awful stick.

In all fairness to the cigar, it may have been how it was stored, so I wont pass judgement on the line as a whole, but this one was certainly,...Whats the opposite of "awesome"?

I went to my local "crappy" shop, because they tend to have lower prices, I wanted to pay around 4 bucks, and hopefully get something good. I picked up an ***intentionally left out****. I dont remember the size. Probably about as large as beagle turd,...and about the same firmness of said turd if the turd has been sitting in the sun....in africa,...during the dry season,....while it was unseasonably sweltering. Looking at it I couldnt help but notice it looked like the aforementioned turd had it been eaten by a wildebeast,...then threw up,...and then crapped on as a warning to other animals not to eat it.

What the hell, I paid $4.28 for this thing, Im gonna smoke it.

Let me interject an interesting fact about myself at this point. I am NOT epileptic....NOT. As in,...I dont have epilepsy. You will understand later.

I knew something was immediately wrong as I started to cut it, it sounded as if I had just stepped on a giant beetle. Not the type of inaudible squish sound you come to expect from a smaller beetle, but instead the type of crunching sound you would expect had you stepped on a gargantuan beetle. The very distinct sound that would force your girlfriend to run out of the house, and refuse to return until you called someone who would show up in a van with a giant rubber cockroach on top, and then forces you to leave your house so he can use a chemical in it that requires him to put a red and white striped tent over your house which says to the neighbors that either 1. the circus has come to town, or 2. they live next door to a slob, and their property value just dropped.

"this is such a bad idea" I tell myself, which is inevitably followed with "yeah, but you spent almost 5 bucks on this thing" to which my response is "good point!"

I light it. Mmmmm....distinct hints of.....curry.
Maybe I was mistaken, 2nd pull, I was mistaken, its not just a hint.

I plough through, because Im a man,...and again, it cost $4.28.
I taste rubber. I look at the end and notice that a bandaid is sticking out of the end. Now I know how the lady who found a finger in her Wendy's chili felt. Sure you may not like machine made cigars, but machines dont loose bandaids.

I pull out the band aid and continue. My head is pounding.

I smoke a little more, and ash. The cigar looks like a bamboo shoot, if the shoot have been cut at a 45 degree angle.

I smoke, I ash, I smoke, I ash, I experience a seizure.

I awaken thinking it to be odd, I have never had a seizure before. Strange that it would happen now, and seemingly unprovoked.

I smoke a little more. The curry flavoring has given way to a much more interesting flavor of,...brown. I dont know how to explain it any other way than that. If brown had a flavor, this cigar tasted like it. Like a brown paper bag.

I asked for a creamy cigar that finished strong. The man behind the counter garunteed this would be it. We define "creamy" differently. I prefer my cream to have not soured during the Clinton administration. I also should have been more clear by what I mean by "strong". Apparently, he thought I wanted a finish that would be comparable to opening the mystery tupperware from the back of the fridge only to discover that it was meatloaf from last christmas,...and then licking it.

All in all, I give the cigar about a 6.5 out of 10. I think if there had been more hints of mushrooms, and celery, and pickles I would have liked it better.

Note *Im not trying to be a snob, just hoping to make someone laugh,...even if it is just myself*

[SeanGAR]

Nice review ... but you gotta spill the beans on what it was.

[kenstogie]

what seangar said

[tecnorobo]

yah what was this thing...
i'm sure people will want to pick some up now.
you sick people and your fantacies about gross cigars.

[opus]

Sounds a lot like a Rocky Patel edge I smoked recently, only this one taste like aromatic cedar pencil shavings with hints of #2 lead and a strong eraser after taste.

[carrolltl]

Reminds me of the time I smoked a Lars Tetens (sp) I heard this funny thing that they are SUPPOSED to taste like that
Sad thing is I paid a little more than $4.25

[Lance]

ok, well Ill spill the beans about the cigar. Understand though that I think it is unfair to entirely blame the cigar. I think the place where I got it kept it too dry.

It was an El ray del mundo, which I picked up because of its high ratings on top25cigars.com

[ShawnP]

Yeah Lance what was it you smoked????

I gotta know

[ShawnP]

Sorry man we posted the same time so it looks like I wasn't paying attention LOL


We have all had bad sticks that most like and rave about. It's ok, you may never like them.

[kvm]

Originally Posted by opusxox

Sounds a lot like a Rocky Patel edge I smoked recently, only this one taste like aromatic cedar pencil shavings with hints of #2 lead and a strong eraser after taste.

Don't even say that. I have a pair in my humi that I haven't gotten to yet

[Jkbd33]

LOOK AT MY SIG. Okay you know what I'm going to say, I need to know what type you tried. The best ones are the oscuro's and of the hundreds I smoked I dare to say that 10 had problems be it burn, construction or a plug. However I will take your post a blasphemy and move on CS


Don't take this the wrong way but if it was a an oscuro stick. Those can be strong juju to a new smoker. So maybe it was you. Sorry defending my favorite stick.

[IHT]

Originally Posted by opusxox

Sounds a lot like a Rocky Patel edge I smoked recently, only this one taste like aromatic cedar pencil shavings with hints of #2 lead and a strong eraser after taste.

i was going to say a rocky patel edge that i was gifted a while back. i think i threw it out after 1/4" it was so bad.
2nd place easily is a don diego "something" that tasted horrid. i about dehydrated from spitting so much... yuck. but that was loooong ago, and now i only take cigar advice from people i know.

[Lance]

Originally Posted by Jkbd33

LOOK AT MY SIG. Okay you know what I'm going to say, I need to know what type you tried. The best ones are the oscuro's and of the hundreds I smoked I dare to say that 10 had problems be it burn, construction or a plug. However I will take your post a blasphemy and move on CS


Don't take this the wrong way but if it was a an oscuro stick. Those can be strong juju to a new smoker. So maybe it was you. Sorry defending my favorite stick.

like I said, it may be the conditions it was stored in more than the cigar itself, plus I like to believe "embelishment is the art to good story telling"

It may just not have been my taste though. It was too bitter.

[illuminatus]

What an awesome review... is the cigar review contest still going? I think this should get an entry!

[Dr. Stogie Fresh]

Sometimes the worst cigars smoked are those for which we have the highest expectations. I mean, if you spend two bucks on a stogie and it picks you up during the day, that's enough to give it a nod. But if you pay a premium for a smoke that is SUPPOSED to be good, it's so hard to meet that kind of hype sometimes.

Furthermore, most of the people who tell us that cigars are good, are those that have smoked a lot and have a particular taste, I think. That's why it's good to have ratings by a cross section of people. From newbies to hardcore tokers, from green candela wrappers to the heaviest ligeros.

The Doc