Cigar and Relationship Advice

[Costa]

WARNING: Happy childless, never been married, 38 year old bachelor advice, please take with grain of salt.

Someone said something about "putting your best foot forward", and I have to agree with that. If you are a workaholic, really pissy after a bad day at work, tend to tailgate people in the left lane who don't move over, etc, these aren't things that get brought to the forefront over a dinner and cocktails in the first few weeks.

That being said, its cigar smoking, not a drug habit. Its a gentleman's pursuit, and far from a deal breaker in any setting, with any woman, imo. It can be casually brought up, and see if she flips. I did know a girl who lost her father to lung cancer, and any smoking was an issue. My guess is you guys are in your early 20's. Most girls I know in their twenty's still relate cigars to hollowed out Phillies Blunts filled with weed. Most girls in there late 20s/early 30s, when a cigar is preceded by a nice dinner and good conversation, see the beauty in it.

Treat her well, listen to what she has to say, and you will be in good shape.......

[[OT] Loki]

oh and my fiancee is anti-smoking but she likes me smoking cigars and loves me smoking pipes now

[hardcz]

Like a lot of people have said... you need to be honest about it. Though approach it from the best direction possible, if she likes direct confrontation then go for it, if she likes indirect stuff go for it that way. Maybe invite her to a B&M you like to go looking for a cigar for a friend, and while you're there you happen to pick one up for yourself. You don't smoke it in front of her unless she says it's ok....but if she asks you say you've wanted to try this cigar before, or you had one a year or so ago and you're wanting to try it again.

It's all about tactics...and if it's really a problem then it's better to get it out before you get too deep into these feelings.

[Rolando]

Originally Posted by Addiction

Relationships don't grow over time if they are built on lies; either actual lies or bits of omission. This is a bad bad bad bad idea.

If she is deadset against smoking she will not appreciate this little ommission one bit, especially if its because of something traumatic say her father died after 20 years of smoking or something like that.

Tell the truth and shame the devil.

It is no more a lie than getting dressed up and being on your best behavior. Cigar smoking will not be the only flaw she may eventually realize he has. Again there is no reason to list all the reasons she should dump him before she gets to know and love the better parts.

My wife is not a big fan of the cigar. She loves me and so she likes that I find pleasure in it. That kind of thing doesn't develop during the first few dates.

[[OT] Loki]

I still don't see whats wrong with just saying 'i smoke cigars'

[Rolando]

Originally Posted by [OT] Loki

I still don't see whats wrong with just saying 'i smoke cigars'

Might as well add that you are gassy after a bowl of beans. That sometimes you miss the toilet. Or you have a shirt in your closet that you never wash because it brings your favorite sports team good luck.

[oldforge]

I like the idea of lighting one up in front of her rather than talk talk talk.

The trick is timing--perhaps after you have taken her to a fancy restaurant, and she has had a couple of drinks and is relaxed. I would light it up as I left the restaurant and smoke it in the car while you drove her home. This is the time to smoke the best cigar you have--my wife is not a fan of smoking but she loves the smell of brown label Tats.

You want her to associate your cigar smoking with good times--that can overcome a lot of negative programming from the rest of society.

If she still freaks out she probably is a lost cause.

Originally Posted by clampdown

Take out a cigar, offer her one, light up and enjoy. Dont act like its something you rarely do, or doing to get on her bad side. Tell her its something you enjoy and thought you might share this passion with her. If she gets upset, well you have a nice cigar to smoke on the ride home.

[gvarsity]

1. It's not something to be ashamed of.
2. Introducing dishonesty into a relationship will eventually kill it.
(There is something to be said about not broadcating the value of the contents of your coolerdor to your wife but that isn't really being dishonest.)
3. If she can't let you be yourself it is not worth it because cigars won't be the last thing you will have to give up/change.
4. You don't have to give her more info than she needs (see #2 parens) she needs to know you are a cigar smoker and it is a hobby to you. She doesn't need to know what your dollar investment is until you have a joint checking account and maybe not even then (again #2).

Someone had a good point about lighting up in front of her. I wouldn't do it that way but mentioning that you had a great cigar in context rather sitting her down like it is an issue is waaaay better. I just was herfing with ______ and we had a great time is a much better intro than we need to talk.

[Rolando]

No it is not something to be ashamed of but also not something that requires having a tattoo on your forehead that reads 'cigar smoker'. Just because I smoke cigars doesn't mean that is a major part of my identity. On my list of priorities... cigar smoking is really close to the bottom. I wouldn't treat it like it is a big reveal because for me it would not be. I think there are hobbies that cost a lot more than I spend on cigars.

It is only a major part of your identity if you are addicted. If it is something you do occasionally for pleasure then reveal it the same time you show her your shot glass collection.

[floydpink]

Originally Posted by Rolando

Might as well add that you are gassy after a bowl of beans. That sometimes you miss the toilet. Or you have a shirt in your closet that you never wash because it brings your favorite sports team good luck.

Yeah, my wife still rolls her eyes at me and my 3 year old daughter laughing at our farting contests that i always seem to win after she makes her famous Brazilian rice and beans. I do have a happy, truthful household filled with laughter and no skeletons in my closet though.....

I am all about compromise and understand her dislike of me staring at the bikinis on the beach in Rio and do my best to respect that. Cigars give me one of the few opportunities to completely relax and contemplate my day and if she ever took that away, I wouldn't be able to relax or contemplate and that would be unacceptable.

I find comfort in the fact that I provide my family with the best health care providers, a nice home, a large insurance policy for when i die, and am there for them any time they need me and would not hesitate to take out anyone who ever messed with any of them.

I guess what i am trying to say is that I am far from perfect and have my vices, but also know when it's time to step up and be a man for your signifigant other as well as yourself.

If that makes me an insensitive, selfish brute, I am what I yam.

[Addiction]

Originally Posted by Rolando

It is no more a lie than getting dressed up and being on your best behavior. Cigar smoking will not be the only flaw she may eventually realize he has. Again there is no reason to list all the reasons she should dump him before she gets to know and love the better parts.

My wife is not a big fan of the cigar. She loves me and so she likes that I find pleasure in it. That kind of thing doesn't develop during the first few dates.

If you know she has a problem with smokers and you neglect to tell her you smoke thats a a lie of omission. I simply don't agree with your analogy.

If he had no idea about her views on smoking and he didn't bring up the subject thats more in line with your best behavior idea. But its too late for that he already knows she has an issue with it. Anything you do at this point other than at least mention "I smoke an occasional cigar" is a lie in my opinion.

Its the same thing if you had told her you weren't ready for children and she neglected to mention her 5 (don't laugh, that happened to me years ago) because she was waiting for the right time.

[borndead1]

Originally Posted by Darrell

If you cannot be yourself, then **** it. Move on.

My thoughts exactly. A compromise would be not to smoke around her.

[Addiction]

Originally Posted by gvarsity

1. It's not something to be ashamed of.
2. Introducing dishonesty into a relationship will eventually kill it.
(There is something to be said about not broadcating the value of the contents of your coolerdor to your wife but that isn't really being dishonest.)
3. If she can't let you be yourself it is not worth it because cigars won't be the last thing you will have to give up/change.
4. You don't have to give her more info than she needs (see #2 parens) she needs to know you are a cigar smoker and it is a hobby to you. She doesn't need to know what your dollar investment is until you have a joint checking account and maybe not even then (again #2).

.............

As far as I've advocated truth in thius thread I will freel admit this: my wife has no idea the value of my cigar collection or what I've spent or plan to spend on it. We decided long ago that I have an obligation to give my wife and children a particular lifestyle and that money that is left over we save the majority of and then after that I can use how I like. She doesn't want to know because even to hear I've spent $250 on cigars would make her crazy because she's not built that way fiscally. And this way she doesn't begrudge me having things that make me happy.

In fact my wife and I were entertaining a recently divorced friend who went off and said my wife shouldn't believe I was going to a midnight movie because all men lie and my wife calmly replied "Everybody lies, but the only thing Bryan would tell me a lie about is his cigar budget." which in a crazy way made me very proud.

[Rolando]

Floyd:
The point is not to lie but to pick your moment. There is no good reason to overshare in the very beginning, in fact, that can come across as creepy. Why not wait a few months? Treat getting to know each other like a marathon not a race.


Addiction:

Is smoking a cigar really on the same level as having kids, really? You know what kind of woman you get if you bluntly announce all of your bad habits and shortcomings on date 1? No woman or possibly worse a mannish one. That is not romance. In his first post he says she seems to be anti-smoking. That might relate chiefly to cigarettes.

It is not as if she will never find out. That is inevitable should the relationship continue. But timing is everything. Let that relationship age a little before trying to smoke it.

[clampdown]

So, Mr. Ed, what ya gonna do?