Any writing experts? I would love your input.

[daviddunn]

Hey guys! I just started college, and my first English assignment is to write a short essay about English writing. I've been out of high school for about 5 years now, so I'm a little rusty. I just wanted to get some input, especially on the punctuation use.

Thanks in advance.

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My love affair with writing

Imagine a world without writing. There would be no past, no history, and very little knowledge passed from generation to generation. What would bring us the joy, and sorrow we find in William Shakespeare’s Macbeth? How could we experience the life changing power we receive by reading the Bible? Where would the liberty and freedom of the United States Constitution be? Thus, a world without writing, is a world without heart. We have all been given this gift by God, and it is our responsibility to take full advantage of it.

When I read great works of composition from writers of the past, such as Herman Melville's Moby Dick, or Leo Tolstoy’s War and Peace, I am inspired to write with such emotion. Much like viewing a great masterpiece painting inspires me to paint! I believe we are naturally attracted to, and desire to emulate the beauty of a well-written composition, because we envy the ability to communicate so perfectly. After all, communication is the core of all human beings, whether verbal, or written.

One of the first things I learned to write was my name. I remember thinking how amazing it was, to take something I had only heard, and transform it into a picture that had the same meaning, but was without sound. Today, I am still amazed that I can take 26 individual characters, and combine them to create over one quarter of a million different words, and a myriad of phrases that shape and influence our lives every day.
I consider myself a knowledgeable, but inexperienced writer. I say knowledgeable, because I enjoy learning and following the rules of grammar. However, just as any other art form, both knowledge, and experience are required in order to create a masterpiece. I struggle to compose one flowing piece, similar to a river that twists and turns, but is still connected. Nonetheless, I am confident that my writing ability will improve greatly, by the experience gained, and methods learned from this course.

At the end of this English course, I hope to find myself with more passion, and zeal, for the English language. I look forward to organizing my thoughts in the most efficient way, and putting them gently on paper for the entire world to see. I dream of changing the lives of the people around me, by the words I write, for this is the ultimate purpose of those 26 lines and squiggles we call our alphabet.

[PinkPistol86]

I like your sample. I am not an expert, however my friends call me the grammar Nazi, lol. I love your use of vocabulary and statistics.

[uncballzer]

Originally Posted by daviddunn

Hey guys! I just started college, and my first English assignment is to write a short essay about English writing. I've been out of high school for about 5 years now, so I'm a little rusty. I just wanted to get some input, especially on the punctuation use.

Thanks in advance.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

My love affair with writing

Imagine a world without writing. There would be no past, no history, and very little knowledge passed from generation to generation. What would bring us the joy, and sorrow we find in William Shakespeare’s Macbeth? How could we experience the life changing power we receive by reading The Bible? Where would the liberty and freedom of the United States Constitution be? A world without writing, is a world without heart. We have all been given this gift [by God], and it is our responsibility to take full advantage of it. (unfortunately, you'll find this in college--that if you're paper isn't in the view of the TA reading it, you'll get points off a lot of time--do you "really need" to say "by God"?)

When I read great works of composition from writers of the past, such as Herman Melville's Moby Dick (underline titles; italics or "" for short stories), or Leo Tolstoy’s War and Peace, I am inspired to write with such emotion. Much like viewing a great masterpiece, painting inspires me to paint! I believe we are naturally attracted to, and desire to emulate the beauty of a well-written composition, because we envy the ability to communicate so perfectly. After all, communication is in the core of all human beings, whether verbal, painted, acted out, etc or written. (give example--cavemen's drawings, etc even before the written record or before civilization--it's nature (vs nurture w/civilization)).

One of the first things I learned to write was my name. I remember thinking how amazing it was, to take something I had only heard, and transform it into a picture that had the same meaning, but was without sound. Today, I am still amazed that I can take 26 individual characters, and combine them to create over one quarter of a million different words, and a myriad of phrases that shape and influence our lives every day. (and punctuation and font and etc to further express how I FEEL!!! )
I consider myself a knowledgeable, but inexperienced writer. I say knowledgeable, because I enjoy learning and following the rules of grammar. However, just as any other art form, both knowledge (removed comma) and experience (experience or skill?) are required to create a masterpiece. I struggle to compose one flowing piece, similar to a river that twists and turns, but is still connected. Nonetheless, I am confident that my writing ability will improve greatly, by the experience gained, and methods learned in my studying of the English language.

At the end of this English course (i'd rephrase this to not mention the course per se, and something to the fact that english is a continuous learning expierence throughout life, but this is a start to "refine" what you already know and to pick up further details), I hope to find myself engaged with the passion, and zeal, for the English language. I look forward to organizing my thoughts in the most efficient way, and recording them for the entire world to see. I dream of changing the lives of the people who read my words, for this is the ultimate purpose of those 26 lines and squiggles we call our alphabet.

Great grammar; you definitely had voice (me knowing more about you, you're style). The red is what I recommend, you can use it or not. Good luck.

[daviddunn]

Thank guys, I really appreciate the input, and I'll definitely use some of the suggestions. I should mention, that I'm attending Regent University, which is a christian based school.

Thanks again!

[mugwump]

As someone who spent the better part of two years reading and grading freshman essays I have to say that your piece would have been a breath of fresh air. Believe me when I say that the quality of your writing is easily in the top tier of what I would expect to see from an incoming class.

Just keep an eye on your use of commas as you've gone a little overboard there and could easily lose the vast majority of them. Read the essay aloud to yourself and unless you hear yourself making a hard stop you don't need to use a comma there.

[daviddunn]

Thanks Mug, that's an area I know I struggle with, because I actually do add a lot of pauses when I read. Thanks a lot for your help, I really do love english, and I hope it shows.

[JohnnyFlake]

Originally Posted by daviddunn

Hey guys! I just started college, and my first English assignment is to write a short essay about English writing. I've been out of high school for about 5 years now, so I'm a little rusty. I just wanted to get some input, especially on the punctuation use.

Thanks in advance.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

My love affair with writing

Imagine a world without writing. There would be no past, no history, and very little knowledge passed on from generation to generation. What would bring us the joy, and sorrow we find in William Shakespeare’s Macbeth? How could we experience the life changing power we receive from reading the Bible? Where would the liberty and freedom of the United States Constitution be? Thus, a world without writing, is a world without sole. We have all been given the ability to learn to write, and it is our responsibility to take full advantage of it.

When I read great works of composition from writers of the past, such as Herman Melville's Moby Dick, or Leo Tolstoy’s War and Peace, I am inspired to write with such emotion. Much like viewing a great masterpiece painting inspires me to paint! I believe we are naturally attracted to, and desire to emulate the beauty of a well-written composition, because we envy the ability to communicate so perfectly. After all, communication is the core of all human beings, whether verbal, or written.

One of the first things I learned to write was my name. I remember thinking how amazing it was, to take something I had only heard, and transform it into a picture that had the same meaning, but was without sound. Today, I am still amazed that I can take 26 individual characters, and combine them to create over one quarter of a million different words, and a myriad of phrases that shape and influence our lives every day. I consider myself a knowledgeable, but inexperienced writer. I say knowledgeable, because I enjoy learning and following the rules of grammar. However, just as any other art form, both knowledge, and experience are required in order to create a masterpiece. I struggle to compose one flowing piece, similar to a river that twists and turns, but is still connected. Nonetheless, I am confident that my writing ability will improve greatly, by the experience gained, and methods learned from this course.

At the end of this English course, I hope to find myself with more passion, and zeal, for the English language. I look forward to organizing my thoughts in the most efficient way, and placing them boldly on paper for the entire world to see. I dream of changing the lives of the people around me, by the words I write, for this is the ultimate purpose of those 26 lines and squiggles we call our alphabet.

Just my humble thoughts. Red = changed from your original words & Blue = added words.

[boonedoggle]

be sure to reference your APA manual!

[BarneyBandMan]

Originally Posted by mugwump

As someone who spent the better part of two years reading and grading freshman essays I have to say that your piece would have been a breath of fresh air. Believe me when I say that the quality of your writing is easily in the top tier of what I would expect to see from an incoming class.

Just keep an eye on your use of commas as you've gone a little overboard there and could easily lose the vast majority of them. Read the essay aloud to yourself and unless you hear yourself making a hard stop you don't need to use a comma there.

Agreed. You have a good command of your subject. As the son of a high school English teacher (grew up being lovingly corrected), I do see some comma abuse. However, from what I've seen and heard from my I-want-another-degree-so-I'll-major-in-English-this-time wife and I'm-changing-my-major-to-English son, your professors at this level will probably be looking more at content and presentation than your command of grammer at this point. They'll probably even let sentences like the previous one slide.

[macjoe53]

Not bad. I would print it out. Let it sit for several hours or a day and then pick it up and read it aloud. Since I don't get the sense that this is supposed to be a technical article, you may want to make sure that your tongue doesn't trip up while you are reading it. In my experience the best writing has a flow to it that makes is seem as though the writer is sitting across from you and is talking to you.