Football recruiting 2002 (joke)

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[updated:LAST EDITED ON Mar-01-02 AT 02:47 PM (CDT)]UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA FOOTBALL

Despite the NCAA penalties on our program, we are pleased to announce the following high school players have verbally committed to us for the 2002 season.

Marvelous G (no last name, just G)
6-3, 210, Wide Receiver
Hottest prospect from Alabama in last ten years. Loves music. Demanded mini-CD player fitted inside helmet. Holds media record for the number of times saying "ya know" in an interview. (53 in one minute.) Can write his name and proved it on fifth try at the SAT test.

Billy Bob Culpepper
6-9, 325, Offensive Tackle
Made "Mississippi All-State White Trash Team" two years in a row. Married to his first cousin for six years. Manslaughter trial pending; said "The sumbitch done talked bad `bout my Momma so he done deserved killin’." On entrance form, listed IQ as 20-20.

Cleotis Quintus Marcellus Octavius Jenkins
6-2, 205, Running Back
Set state scoring record out of South Central High School (Los Angeles). Also led state in burglaries but convicted only once. Has been clocked at 4.33 seconds in forty yard dash with a 25" Sony TV under his arm. Thinks Ball Peen Hammer is younger brother of the rap singer. Insists on wearing #11 on jersey to remind him what time to get out of bed for early morning classes.

José Martinez Portillo de Escalante
5-7, 160, Placekicker
Actually graduated from high school, though it took nine years. (Sales position with Columbian distribution firm's Miami office interrupted his studies.) Lists church preference as red brick; preferred denomination is $20 bills in random sequence. Does not require automobile as his 2001 BMW M5 has only 9500 miles on it.

Willie "Night Train" Smith
6-4, 210, Quarterback
Likes to travel ever since he was born on Amtrak train between Atlanta and New Orleans. Turned down scholarship at Nebraska because he thought the "N" on the helmet stood for "Nowledge" but still meets our entrance requirements.

Bubba “Death Star” Mitchell
6-5, 245, Linebacker
Four-year starter at Texas State Juvenile Detention School. Has pending paternity suit but athletic department has arranged for one of our alumni to effect cash settlement with the mother. Reasonable kid, did not demand new Mercedes; will settle for will settle for Dodge RAM 4WD with “In Memory of #3 Dale Earnhardt” logo sand-blasted into rear window. Also, would like credit card to Taco Bell so he can charge his phone calls home to Texas.

Abdul Mohammed Al-Said Yadda Yadda Hussani
6-7, 270, Defensive End
Played high school ball in Memphis under name of Roosevelt Turnipseed prior to his conversion to Islam. On SAT, wrote down Sherlock Holmes as being a housing project in Detroit. Despite this, he still meets our entrance requirements. Does not know the meaning of the word "fear." Also, does not know meanings of many other words in the English language.

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