Golf 101

[cmiller]

Originally Posted by colgate

...
5. If King Kong decides it's time to hit one on through your party without permission, quickly move to his ball and place it on a tee whereever it came to rest. Polite and effective.

I usually just run over it with the golf cart such that the top of the ball is flush with the surface of the fairway. Or just pocket it if it is a good brand.

Oh and colgate forgot one. Be very carefull not to fall off the ball washer, very embaresing.

[galaga]

Originally Posted by colgate

Alright. Here you go.

1. When addressing the ball always be polite. "Hello ball" is acceptable.
2. Strive to move the little ball (golf) further than the big ball (the Earth).
3. If you cannot clear the lady's tee with your drive, remember to unzip and prove you're a man to the rest of the group (obligatory).
4. If you screw up and fail at number 2, do not run after the dribbler with your club between your legs in an attempt to retrieve and retry. You will trip and twist a knee or worse, snap your club shaft (I actually saw this, he was okay but it was probably the single funniest thing I've ever seen).
5. If King Kong decides it's time to hit one on through your party without permission, quickly move to his ball and place it on a tee whereever it came to rest. Polite and effective.

You think colgate's kidding don't you. Well he is, but not about #3. Its called a DO, it is obligatory unless your playing on a course around houses. What he's kidding about is #5. He left out that after you put it on a tee, you then turn around and hit it back at King Kong, you get to deduct strokes if you hit his golf cart, unless of course he yelled FOUR and it was only his first time hitting into you. Then you just leave it alone. If(hahaha) you're obsessive compulsive, don't start, we've warned you!

Hello Ball Great skit.

[thomcad]

Good advice from all the posts except those who are saying not to play at all. I would strongly suggest that you ignore all swing advice that you do not pay for, and you will get alot from well meaning and clueless friends. As a general introduction to the sport, I will tell you that golf is a game of opposites. To hit it far, you have to swing smooth and easy. If you swing down on the ball, it will go higher, if you swing up it will go lower, If you swing left the ball will go right, and if you swing right the ball will go left. And finally, the better you get the more likely you are to hit the ugliest shot of them all, which I can't say or even write, but it begins with S and ends with HANK, and it will break your heart.

[RPB67]

Its realy an easy game.

I take lessons from a pro at the beginning of the year. He has given me the best piece of advice I can pass on to you.

No matter were you ball lands in the sand,water or in the rough. No matter how your swing looks. To the left or right or duff the shot.

The most important factor in golf is you need to LOOK GOOD. If you dont look good with a nice follow through,dressed 1/2 descent then you will suck.

Just look good and have fun.

Also the new titanium Big Bertha 3 wood helps !

[LasciviousXXX]

Thanx all! Great advice... and don't worry Richard, I look good all the time I'm really excited about getting into the game. It seems like a lot of fun and I can't wait to hook up with some of my AZ Gorilla Brethren when I get good enough to go a round with Dsrt and SlimD.

Thanx for the words of wisdom!
XXX

[RPB67]

I always take two or three lessons at the beginning of the season. It doesnt make me a pro but it does work out some of the kinks and also your pro will point out your strong and weak points of your swing.

Then its just practice from there on in.

[SlimDiesel]

Don't worry about being good enough to play with me. My suggestion would be invite me to Sedona, giving me a few stogies for my trouble of course, and let me show you how to duff it with the best.

The LAWS of golf are as follow:
If you fail to make it past the ladies tee, you must drop your pants for the rest of the hole.
If somebody hits into your group the ball is fair game for foul play.*
All par 3's must be accompanied by a closest to pin wager.
No matter what went wrong on a misshit somebody must say "Well you looked up on that one."
If there is only one who fails to make par on a hole, he buys the next round for it is a "Beer Hole"
No matter how many times the guy in the woods swears, he made it out in 2.


*Unless it is me, then you better leave my ball alone mother ****er.

[RPB67]

Originally Posted by SlimDiesel

Don't worry about being good enough to play with me. My suggestion would be invite me to Sedona, giving me a few stogies for my trouble of course, and let me show you how to duff it with the best.

The LAWS of golf are as follow:
If you fail to make it past the ladies tee, you must drop your pants for the rest of the hole.
If somebody hits into your group the ball is fair game for foul play.*
All par 3's must be accompanied by a closest to pin wager.
No matter what went wrong on a misshit somebody must say "Well you looked up on that one."
If there is only one who fails to make par on a hole, he buys the next round for it is a "Beer Hole"
No matter how many times the guy in the woods swears, he made it out in 2.


*Unless it is me, then you better leave my ball alone mother ****er.

We call it the hog out rule !

[Puffy69]

Ive been golfing for years and regret not starting off with lessons. If you want to do it right..Start with lessons.Once you develope the bad habbits, you cant break them and your stuck with $2000 dollars worth of clubs and a .50 cent swing..Golf is a frustrating sport and will piss you off big time.So get it in your head that you are just having fun with your friends and clients and taking their money and smoking good too. If you do this, you will enjoy the game forever.

[LasciviousXXX]

Originally Posted by SlimDiesel

*Unless it is me, then you better leave my ball alone mother ****er.

I'm not going anywhere near your balls you mooch! Besides, I usually don't bring a magnifying glass to the golf course

It'll be nice to get out there and play a round or two. I'll let you know when I'm coming down to PHX and we'll get together.

XXX

[Uniputt]

Just remember, that if you find out you suck at golf, at least you can take comfort in the fact that you can still excell at "BEDROOM GOLF"....

I guess this is as good a place as any to repost this:

The Rules of Bedroom Golf:

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.

It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.

Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.

The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.

Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside.

Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

[Puffy69]

Originally Posted by Uniputt

Just remember, that if you find out you suck at golf, at least you can take comfort in the fact that you can still excell at "BEDROOM GOLF"....

I guess this is as good a place as any to repost this:

The Rules of Bedroom Golf:

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.

It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.

Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.

The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.

Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside.

Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

Thats funny as sh1t..I sent it to all my golf buddies..