chuck norris!!!...

[sysrock]

Chuck Norris once signed onto Cigar Live as Irwin M. Fletcher and sent Mario a lot of really, really, really nice stogies, the equivalent of a round house kick to the face in the cigar world.

[bigpoppapuff-cl]

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.

A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.

[brianhewitt-cl]

"They say Chuck Norris is so tough, there's no chin under his beard... There is only another fist."

[Corona Gigante-cl]

When Chuck Norris looks into a mirror, the world gets twice as dangerous.

Chuck Norris does not tea-bag the ladies, he potato sacks them.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

[Dustinl-cl]

Originally Posted by Corona Gigante

When Chuck Norris looks into a mirror, the world gets twice as dangerous.

Chuck Norris does not tea-bag the ladies, he potato sacks them.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

HAHA!!!!! He potato sacks them! Good stuff, Corona!


DL

[bigpoppapuff-cl]

In the days before e-mail, Chuck Norris would tie messages to pigeons and then roundhouse kick them.

Chuck Norris once swallowed a Rubik's Cube. When it came out in the toilet it was solved.

Chuck Norris was born when he punched his way out of his mother's stomach. Shortly thereafter he began to grow a beard.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Once Chuck Norris was sparring with Wolverine and lost a testicle. You may know it now by its technical name, Jupiter.

chuck Norris is said to have roundhouse kicked a McDonald's so hard that it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris is where babies come from.

Chuck Norris invented a language that uses kicks and punches. So if he kicks your ass, don't take it personally. He may just be trying to say that he likes your hat.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closets for Chuck Norris.

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins,the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

Chuck Norris' girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't [censored] with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until the man exploded.

Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and [censored] on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

[Dustinl-cl]

Little ninjas want to be Chuck Norris when they grow up......instead they grow up and get killed by him.


"Invasion USA" isn't a movie, its a documentary.



DL

[Dustinl-cl]

Everybody loves Raymond except Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

[bigpoppapuff-cl]

Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.

What many people dont know is chuck norris is the founder of planned parenthood. Not even unborn children can escape his wrath.

Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.

Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.

Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.

Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.

Think of a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her.

A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

[Stogie Smoker]

Chuck Norris doesn't endorse, he tells America how it's going to be.

[Stogie Smoker]

sorry, not too good at linkage.

[bigpoppapuff-cl]

After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.

[bigpoppapuff-cl]

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.

Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.

In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.

They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.

There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.

When Chuck Norris was born, he immediately had sex with the first nurse he saw. He was her first. She was his third. That afternoon.

One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.

Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.

Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.

Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.

The term "Cleveland Steamer" got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried northern Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter.

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.

[wacbzz]

Just go here and laugh till it hurts...and save Sid some typing!