Crappy Bad Sad News!!

[Darren's Godiva]

I too have read all the comments. When I first met Darren I didn't really smoke any cigars. He was smoking just about every day. When he had a not so good report from the doctor I asked him to cut back to like 2-3 cigars a week. We had issues with that....

He then talked to me about his cigar smoking. He said, "I don't have many vices. I don't drink to get drunk, I don't smoke a pack a day, I don't treat you like crap -- go out with the guys , or even leave you for a long period of time alone to do 'just my thing"." He went on to say there are a lot of things I could do besides this that are a lot worse.

When he put it in perspective for me I understood better -- not completely just better. Then he brought me a long to herfs and such. It is a hobby we enjoy together. I only smoke once or twice a week (more if we are with friends) and he still smokes 3 - 5 cigars a week if not more. I don't kiss him after smoking, especially if I have been smoking. This is the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with -- give and take is true. I would never ask him to give up something that he enjoys and that is part of a relationship. I would never want Darren to ask me to give up something I enjoy.

Yes, you should talk to your wife. Put it on a level she can understand.

[ctiicda]

Thanks Mel... I will try again she just does not seem to get the brother/sisterhood of cigars.. I enjoy cigars however, I enjoy the great people I have met just as much if not more.

[maduro4me-cl]

I am sorry to hear about your "dilema." I guess I am one of the lucky ones. My wife not only lets me smoke, she encourages me to. She is also starting to smoke herself. I am not going to try and give you any advice, as you have already recieved plenty. But I hope that you are able to work it out. I do know that if my wife asked me to quit I would. She and my son are worth way more to me than anything else in this world. Good luck brother.

[htown]

There is nothing I can say that hasn't been said. I feel for you, sorry dude.

[Rah55]

Did you smoke before you married? Was she aware of this? I don't know how long you have been married but, it is a common error that people think that they can "change" their mates or that they will change on their own after marriage. This is generally a misconception unless there is really some serious change required. To me the solution is compromise, compromise, compromise. If you smoked before she met you then she knew you came with this hobby/habit. It is best that she understand that you can't make people into what you want them to be (sometimes this understanding takes time). They have to be who they are but, as I said, they can compromise.

[ctiicda]

Originally Posted by Rah55

Did you smoke before you married? Was she aware of this? I don't know how long you have been married but, it is a common error that people think that they can "change" their mates or that they will change on their own after marriage. This is generally a misconception unless there is really some serious change required. To me the solution is compromise, compromise, compromise. If you smoked before she met you then she knew you came with this hobby/habit. It is best that she understand that you can't make people into what you want them to be (sometimes this understanding takes time). They have to be who they are but, as I said, they can compromise.

I started cigars right before we got engaged. Like all cigar people though my attraction to them grew bigger as time has gone on... we are about to hit the 3 year mark for marriage.

[baboruger]

Well, I'm sort of thinking here that there are two sides to every coin. I understand how someone could be anti cigar smoking, and I am sure that they have very strong opinions on it. I can also see your point about it.

When I first got married, i collected Football cards, and it was a great hobby. I really enjoyed it and I had been doing it for my whole life. Well, my wife and I talked because she was not a huge football card fan, and she told me that she thought it was silly and that it was taking up to much space/time/money. I thought about it and tried to figure out what meant more to me, my wife being happy, or my football cards? Well the wife won out. I still smoke cigars but that does not take up as much space as the cards, and my wife understands why I enjoy a cigar (she dis not see what I got out of the football cards). I guess my point is, think about what is most important to you, and make choices, if this is a line in the sand thing, then draw that line, but remember what the most important things in life are.

I would say that it would be a shame if something like a cigar could ruin something that you have worked hard on for 3 years...

[ctiicda]

Originally Posted by baboruger

Well, I'm sort of thinking here that there are two sides to every coin. I understand how someone could be anti cigar smoking, and I am sure that they have very strong opinions on it. I can also see your point about it.

When I first got married, i collected Football cards, and it was a great hobby. I really enjoyed it and I had been doing it for my whole life. Well, my wife and I talked because she was not a huge football card fan, and she told me that she thought it was silly and that it was taking up to much space/time/money. I thought about it and tried to figure out what meant more to me, my wife being happy, or my football cards? Well the wife won out. I still smoke cigars but that does not take up as much space as the cards, and my wife understands why I enjoy a cigar (she dis not see what I got out of the football cards). I guess my point is, think about what is most important to you, and make choices, if this is a line in the sand thing, then draw that line, but remember what the most important things in life are.

I would say that it would be a shame if something like a cigar could ruin something that you have worked hard on for 3 years...

To me it is more the point that i would never ask her to give up what she loves... We shall see if smoking less helps

[baboruger]

Originally Posted by ctiicda

To me it is more the point that i would never ask her to give up what she loves... We shall see if smoking less helps

Good luck, but I wonder if there is something more than the cigars that is really the issue. I would try your best to talk this out before it grows bigger.

[eodcole]

Yeah three years is a decent time building up a sweet stash. It'd be a shame to see it go. Seriously I've had a problem a couple times with the woman. Luckily she knew since highschool I smoked cigars. She still doesn't really like it and thinks I'm going to die at 50 because I smoke a few a week. I think she accepts it though.

[notyeraveragechick]

Dude,
The anxiety of not being able to enjoy your favorite hobby is much worse on your health than the few cigars you smoke. Nurses do not know everything in healthcare, but I've seen a few toss their title around to get some sort of point across. I don't mean to disrespect your wife.....I am a wife and and work in healthcare. If you are not smoking in your house or around her, and your habit takes no time or money from the relationship, she has no legitimate argument.
I wish you luck, my friend.

[CGARMAN23]

Originally Posted by ctiicda

It is not a time thing.. I do it when she is not around or at work or I am at work. She just does not like it... i think it will be ok I will just smoke less... I am make a deal... I will smoke less if she lets me get a bigger Humidor... can you imagine the stash years down the road lol... and ohhh me smoking less could be bad for this board! I already have a bombing issue..

"I already have bombing issue" nsure: is quite an understatement.

[Stogie]

Originally Posted by ctiicda

So as each day passes it looks like my love for cigars is about have to stop... I am really close to putting my entire stash humidor included up for sale. My wife just is completely hardcore opposed to it and it seems to be a major issue any time I enjoy a cigar. This will likely mean that I will be quiting my job and getting rid of everything cigar related. I keep hoping it does nto come to this but it is taking the fun away from it. This just sux and needless to say this has become a shitty night... sorry everyone i just had to vent I am really kinda sad at the moment.

No offense but you can not start letting her tell you what to do. Give them an inch and they will take a foot. You get enjoyment out of it so she needs to deal with it. You are the man of the house. Just the way I was raised. The man works and the women rattles the pots and pans.

Sorry if it seems cold but I would never let a woman tell me what I can and can not do. My wife did not like all the time I spent on CL until she started to really see how happy it made me.

[nativetexan_1]

Sounds like a control issue to me. Stand your ground like a man. Be thoughtful, but stand your ground: don't smoke in her presence, don't smoke in the house/car (ever), smoke after she's gone to bed or when she,you is/are away from home. If she gets her way completely, next comes giving up the TV remote. Stand your ground.

[Stogie]

Originally Posted by nativetexan_1

Sounds like a control issue to me. Stand your ground like a man. Be thoughtful, but stand your ground: don't smoke in her presence, don't smoke in the house/car (ever), smoke after she's gone to bed or when she,you is/are away from home. If she gets her way completely, next comes giving up the TV remote. Stand your ground.

Well said! Line in the sand brother. I feel really strongly about this because I have seen friends that let a woman walk on them. You are half of the relationship. I am not saying she is going to be happy with your decision but "SHE Will get over it". She may even cry a little, but if you raise the TV up a bit you will not hear her. Crying is OK sometimes, it lets her know you are not just going to do something because she wants you to. Crying can actually wear her down after a while and she will forget why she was mad. Does she have a hobby?