20 Things I Learned From Tech Support

[DriftyGypsy]

20 Things I Learned From Tech Support


Written by kludge

• As long as the world turns, users will still have problems
• Substance abusers and computer operators are the only folks called users. This isn’t by chance
• When in doubt. Reboot
• Sooner or later you will meet a person who types out the words “backslash” or forgets to plug in the power cord. If you haven’t yet, just wait, you will
• Fear the phone. No one just calls tech to wish you good morning
• No user will tell you the whole truth at the beginning of a call
• “I didn’t do anything” or “It just happened” Are the users mantra
• As a support tech, it is your job to break down resistance and get the truth
• This is so you can rub the lie in their face, fixing the issue is just a perk
• Some people will never learn
• This means you will always have a job
• Maintain a calm voice, even if you’re screaming on the inside
• The hold button is your friend
• Whatever you do, don’t panic
• The answer to all users questions should be “Trust me, I know what I’m doing” even if this is a bald-faced lie
• Users can smell fear. Once you’ve lost control, all is lost
• A user who is not listening to you anymore, but rather is trying “their own thing” is not worth your time. Simulate a telephone disconnect and hang up. Trust me, you’re better off.
• Sometimes fixing a computer is easier than figuring out why it was broken
• Users always want a reason things are fixed. If you’re not sure just lie. They won’t know anyway. “A stray electron passed through the processor and caused…”
• If possible ask to speak to the youngest person present
  
  clickety clickety…

[Irons]

NUMBER ONE RULE OF TECH SUPPORT: T.F.B S.E.P.
NUMBER TWO RULE OF TECH SUPPORT: No good deed goes unpunished.

Customer acting up? Give them 2 minutes in the Penalty Hold Box (tm)(pat pend)

The mute is so you can swear at the customer, loudly.

[dunng]

PEBKAC (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PEBKAC)

[DriftyGypsy]

Originally Posted by dunng

PEBKAC (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PEBKAC)

It's usually that or a One-D-Ten-Tee error

[Smokey Bob]

I used to tell people that the problem was caused by a temporary world-wide bit shortage.


Or that I had solved their problem with bit lubricant.

Robert

[Irons]

For you BofH fans, comes BofH Style Excuse Server:

http://pages.cs.wisc.edu/~ballard/bofh/bofhserver.pl

The cause of the problem is:
divide-by-zero error

The cause of the problem is:
Unfortunately we have run out of bits/bytes/whatever. Don't worry, the next supply will be coming next week.

The cause of the problem is:
Your CPU has become decentralized.



Also, don't forget to throw "over head wiffle valve" in there somewhere.

[rumballs]

ain't that the truth...

Originally Posted by Irons

NUMBER ONE RULE OF TECH SUPPORT: T.F.B S.E.P.

what is that? all I found was "T. IPS. F. OR. B. UYING. S. PORTS. E. YE. P. ROTECTORS"




and let us not forget:
[size=8]RTFM[/size]

[Irons]

Originally Posted by mmblz

ain't that the truth...

what is that? all I found was "T. IPS. F. OR. B. UYING. S. PORTS. E. YE. P. ROTECTORS"

It goes along with rule 2: To F*!king Bad, Somebody Else's Problem
As in: There is a problem, I know what the problem is. I am not fixing because I lack the skills and/or responsibility.

Should I break rule one, then rule two will apply.

[mels95yj]

Originally Posted by mmblz

and let us not forget:
[size=8]RTFM[/size]

Amen brother! Of course, they're becoming a thing of the past.

I saw one in a Readers' Digest: PICNIC

Problem In Chair, Not In Computer

Mel

[macjoe53]

May favorite has always been: OIS Error

Operate Is Stupid Error.