15 ways to avoid a Southern butt kickin’

[2chairs]

15 ways to avoid a Southern butt kickin’

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your butt.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your butt.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying f&^% whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever...it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an butt kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (Welty, Dickey, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your butt.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MTV, Netscape, were all founded by Southerners). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. Gore, Duke, McKinney, Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her butt.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your butt.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your butt.

Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended - with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your butt.

9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your butt kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Milwaukee, New York City, Cleveland, and Buffalo, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your butt on home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your butt.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers catch fire. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your butt all the way back to Lake Erie.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your butt just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like Philadelphia, Washington DC, Boston or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your butt.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your butt shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box.... minus your butt!

[robmcd]

i would add:

16) Neil Youngは音楽を通じて民主主義に貢献していることが認められ、アンチJerry Falwell組織から栄誉を称えられる

;-)

[2chairs]

Note to self: Kick robmcd's butt at LOLH. }>

[poker]

Southern Definitions
ANY GOOD SOUTH'NER WORTH THEIR WEIGHT IN PEACHES WILL UNDERSTAND EVERY SINGLE WORD BELOW! The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington designating Southern slang, or y'allbonics, as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. The following are excerpts from the Y'allbonics/English

HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage "Heidi, Hire yew?"
BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck and tuckit ta Lanner."
BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage "Them Bammer boys sure is ignert!"
RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Usage "Just set that bare rat cheer."
FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country."
DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage "He's did, Jim."
ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas Oxygen. Usage "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ARE!"
BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE - a contraction. Usage "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit 'n'is laf."
SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see".
VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun. Usage "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"
GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution. Usage "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.

[2chairs]

Actually it's "Har Yew"

[robmcd]

missed a few... add these:

Aig: which come first, the chicken or the aig?

Amulance: Ambulance, a vehicle that takes you to a hospital when you crash your neck car.

Arn: an electrical instrument used to remove wrinkles from clothing

Ast: To interrogate or inquire, as when a revenue agent seeks information about illegal moonshine stills. "Don't ast me so many question. I makes me mad."

Attair: Contradiction used to indicate the specific item desire. "Pass me attair gravy, please"

Awl: An amber fluid used to lubricate engines. "Ah like attair car, but it sure does take a lot of awl."

Bawl: What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit. "That gal cain't even bawl water without burnin' it."

Bidness: commercial enterprise

Bleeve: Expression of intent or faith. "Ah bleeve we ought to go to church this Sunday."

Bobbycue: a delectable southern sandwich of chopped pork, cole slaw an a fiery sauce

Cent: Plural of cent. "You paid five dollars for that necktie? Ah wouldn't give fiddy cent for it."

Clinics: a tissue

Co-cola: The soft drink that started in Atlanta and conquered the world. "Ah hear they even sell Co-cola in Russia."

Crine: weeping

Cyst: To render aid. "Can Ah cyst you with those packages, ma'am."

Daints: a more or less formal event in which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to the sound of music

Dawfins: name of the pro football team in Miami

Doc: a condition caused by an absence of light

Earl: What you lube parts with or fry in.

Ever: each, as in "She's bin crine ever day since JJ run off."

Everwhichways: To be scattered in all directions. "You should have been there when the train hit attair chicken truck. Them chickens flew everwhichways.

Far: A state of combustion that produces heat and light. "Ah reckon it's about time to put out the far and call in the dawgs."

Flars: The colorful, sweet-smelling part of a plant. "If yo wife's mad at ya, it's smart to take her some flars."

Gahrill: The front section of a car or in Jungle gloss terms, someone's face. "Jethro didin' take kindly to that monkey so he got right up in his gahrill."

Goff: a game played with clubs and a little white ball

Good ole boy: Any Southern male between age 16 and 60 who has an amiable disposition and is fond of boon companions, hound dawgs, fishin', huntin', and good lookin' women, but not necessarily in that order. " Bubba's a good ole boy."

Griyuts: What no Southern breakfast would be without - grits. "Ah like griyuts with butter and sawt on'em, but Ah purely love'em with red-eye gravy."

Hale: Where General Sherman is going for what he did to Etlanna. (Atlanta) "General Sherman said "War is Hale" and he made sure it was."

Hep: to aid or benefit. "Ah can't hep it if Ah'm still in love with you."

Hoss: a large, solid-hoofed, herbivorous animal

Idee: something a neck thinks. "Ah ain't got no idee."

Idinit: Term employed by genteel Southerners to avoid saying Ain't. "Mighty hot today, idinit?"

Isis: meaning "I am." For example: "Isis going to da store for more pop."

Jew: Did you. "Jew want to buy attair comic book, son, or just stand there and read it here?"

Kumpny: Guests. "Be home on time. We's havin' kumpny for supper."

Law: Police, or as Southerners pronounce it, PO-leece. "We better get outta here. That bartender's doen called the law."

Liberry: a building where thousands of literary works are kept

Mash: To press, as in the case of an elevator button. "Want me to mash yo floor for you, Ma'am?"

Muchablige: Thank you. "muchablige for the lift, mister."

Nawthun: Anything that is not Southern. "He is a classic product of the superior Nawthun educational system." (sarcasm)

Ole well: a source of petroleum

Ovair: In that direction. 'Where's yo paw, son?" He's ovair, suh."

Plowers: What you use to fix things with, a common household tool (aka pliers outside of Misery)

Plum: Completely. "Ah'm plum wore out."

Retch: To grasp for. "The right feilder retch over into the stands and caught the ball."

Saar: The opposite of sweet. "These pickles Sure are saar."

Shovelay: A GM car. "Nobody could drive a Shovelay like Junior Johnson."

Sinner: Exact middle of. "Have you been to the new shoppin' sinner."

Spearmint: something scientists do

Stow : establishment where things are sold

Sugar: A kiss. "Come here and give me some sugar."

Tarred: Fatigued. "Ah'm too tarred to go bowlin' nonight."

Tar Arns: A tool for changing wheels. "You cain't change a tar without a tar arn."

Thoad: Past tense of tho. As in "Nomo thoad a no hitta".

Uhmurkin: Someone who lives in the United States of Uhmurka. "Thomas Jefferson was a great Uhmurkin."

Viddle's: Anything Mamma can scrape up off the interstate.

War: Metal strands attached to posts to enclose domestic animals. "Be careful and don't get stuck on that bob war."

Warsh: Something most necks only do on big holidays, or just hear about.

Whup: To beat or to strike. "OOOEEE!!! Yer mama's gonna whup you fer sayin' a cuss word."

Zackly: precisely Zat: Is that. "Zat yo dawg?"

[cigartexan]

LMAOROTFFPM!!!

toes r bofe damm funne....

Has anyone here ever heard Roy D. Mercer from Tulsa, OK?
Cuz what I want to know is "how big a boy are you?"

[Drewsky]

Great Stuff guys! ROTFLMAO! Icant type Im still cracking up!:7 Ill try to put one together with california lingo!

[cigartexan]

Sorry Dave.

urs is funne 2...

[poker]

fore me buddy Phil:

Dumb Georgia Laws

It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroners office.

You have the right to commit simple battery if provoked by "fighting" words.

Members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while the state assembly is in session.

Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs.

Signs are required to be written in English.

No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday.


in Acworth
All citizens must own a rake.

in Atlanta
Against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
One man may not be on another man's back.

in Columbus
Can't cut off a chicken's head on Sunday.
It is illegal to carry a chicken by it's feet down Broadway on Sunday.

in Gainesville
Chicken must be eaten with the hands.

in Jonesboro
It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy"

in Kennesaw
Every head of household must possess a firearm of some kind.

in Marietta
Though it is illegal to spit from a car or bus, citizens may spit from a truck.

in St. Mary's
No spitting on the sidewalk is permitted after dark.

in Quitman
It is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.
Cars are not to drive on sidewalks.

[poker]

Dumb California laws:



California Crazy Law
Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.


Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.


Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.


Bathhouses are against the law.


In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.


No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.


Women may not drive in a house coat.


It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.


Arcadia
Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.


Alhambra
You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.


Baldwin Park
Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.


Belvedere
City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."


Blythe
You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.


Burlingame
It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.


Carmel
Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)


Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.


Chico
Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.


Downey
It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).


Hollywood
It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.


Lafayette
You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.


Lodi
It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".


Lompoc
It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.


Long Beach
It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.


Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.


Los Angeles
Toads may not be licked.


You may not hunt moths under a street light.


It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.


You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.


Zoot suits are prohibited.


It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.


It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.


Ontario
Roosters may not crow in the city limits.


Pacific Grove
Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.


Palm Springs
It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.


Pasadena
It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.


Prunedale
Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.


Redlands
Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.


Riverside
One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.


San Diego
The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.


It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.


San Francisco
Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.


Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.


It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.


It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.


San Jose
It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595


Santa Monica
You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.


Temecula
Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all time

[2chairs]

>You have the right to commit simple battery if provoked by
>"fighting" words.
>
>Signs are required to be written in English.
>
>in Kennesaw
>Every head of household must possess a firearm of some kind.
>

And what's wrong with those? :-)

[rkt]

I's knows Roy D. Hesa good ol'boy!!!
But if ewes ta rile him up he shore knock a pop knot on ya.

[radar]

Cain't bleeve this hyea surfur boy was jest in Tamper. Get bak hyea soz we kin KICK YER BUTT! (Bring smokes)

Greetings from LaBelle, FL.

Note to Paul: Please develop an Emoticon with Cowboy hat (straw please, the humidity is truly unbearable in any other type of hat), an insertable finger (I believe you know our finger of choice), and of course a smoking stogie.


Thank you,
Radar

PS I called Edisonbird to see if he wanted a footfull of Pokers butt, but he said he had received too many good smokes and didn't want to pi$$ off the "Golden Goose" (Bird's a real $lut that way).

:7

[seagarsmoker]

LMAOROTF