SEX........now that i have your attention, enjoy this joke

[usedtobesexy]

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

Two men were talking.
So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LOUD SEX:

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

QUIET SEX:

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out
and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,
"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied,
"You're never home!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CONFOUNDED SEX:

A man was in a terrible accident,
and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine
could give him back his manhood,
but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery
since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be
$3,500 for small,
$6,500 for medium,
$14,000 for large.
The man was sure he would want a medium or large,
but the doctor urged him to talk it over with
his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone
and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room,
and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered,
"She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel
on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die,
I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife -Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies,
"When you die,
I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
Here Lies My Husband
- Stiff At Last."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WOMEN'S HUMOR:

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said,
"This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Senior Wisdom:

One night an 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo
to find her 92 yr old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony
of their 20th floor assisted living apartment killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on charge of murder,
the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, Yes, Sir, your honor,
I figured that at 92,
if he could have sex...he could fly !.

[KnightKrusher]

You know you are still sexy it is all in the mind , and I can see you still have it in the mind. A sexy cigar smoker.

[Jeff]

Nice jokes. Pretty darn funny.

[usedtobesexy]

MORE JOKES.................LONG ONES............BUT CUTE

Why We Love Children

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."


2. A small boy is sent to bed! by his father.
Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"



3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door
until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"



4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm
a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room"
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy"



5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's
sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,
as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to! iron."



6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old
came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into
the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"



7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."



8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little
to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken
Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."



10 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"



11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

[steve12553]

Entertaining but not too crude.