Top 30 Facts About Chuck Norris

[jgrimball]

TOP 30 FACTS ABOUT CHUCK NORRIS


Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris' penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of time is mearly a byproduct of Norris' colossal erections. This is known as the "Chuck Norris' big cock theory of space-time".

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.

Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

Chuck Norris could have any woman he wants, but he has never had sex. He only masturbates because the only person good enough to have sex with Chuck is Chuck.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the **** down.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

President Bush DID have a sure fire plan to end the war in Iraq, However Chuck Norris was busy that day.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris doesn't have to stop bullets because they know better.

[Jeff]

Thats pretty damn funny. My mother is a Chuck Norris fan, I'll have to forward it to her.

[shakespeare]

Originally Posted by jgrimball

TOP 30 FACTS ABOUT CHUCK NORRIS


Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris' penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of time is mearly a byproduct of Norris' colossal erections. This is known as the "Chuck Norris' big cock theory of space-time".

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.

Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

Chuck Norris could have any woman he wants, but he has never had sex. He only masturbates because the only person good enough to have sex with Chuck is Chuck.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the **** down.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

President Bush DID have a sure fire plan to end the war in Iraq, However Chuck Norris was busy that day.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris doesn't have to stop bullets because they know better.

Lemme guess. Only Chuck Norris was good enough to write this...

[Alpedhuez55]

THat is pretty funny stuff. I met Chuck about 15 years ago and found him to be a great guy. It would be nice to have the chance to Herf with him some day, as long as he does not bring any of those Lone Wolf Cigars

But I do get the urge to kick his ass every time that infomercial comes on!!!

[croatanita]

I got this in an email from a friend last week and was absolutely cracking up! There's a similar one for Mr. T as well: http://www.4q.cc/t/index.php?topthirty

I have to say that my favorite Mr. T one is: "Mr. T can walk on water. He can also walk on fire. His preference however, is to walk on fools."

Happy Friday, everyone!

[illuminatus]

When Vin Diesel jumps into a large body of water, he does not get wet, the water gets vin.

When Vin Diesel gives blood, he declines the syringe and asks for a bucket and a handgun.

There's a ton more... don't feel like lookin for em right now...

[al two]

Originally Posted by jgrimball

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

seen those before, that one's my fav.

[Kayak_Rat]

i was actually laughing out loud. I was brought up with Norris, Stallone, the Duke, and Clint Eastwood. I was talking sh*t before I knew what talking sh*t was. Thanks for a great laugh.

[icehog3]

All humans have 23 pairs of chromosomes, except Chuck Norris. Chuck has 79, and 15 of them are poisonous.

[PhoenixPhlex]