One for the navy guys....

[19redwings]

Did my time, and this hits home! I cannot believe how accurate this hits!!

For all you sailors who are stuck ashore or, worse yet, retired (!), here
are some good ways to simulate being back on the briny blue!

Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.

Run all the pipes, electrical and phone wires in your house exposed on the walls. Label them all with names and directional arrows. Quiz your family on how to isolate each system.

Repaint your entire house every month.

Run uninsulated steam or hot water piping through the middle of the shower/bathtub and move the shower head to chest level.

When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.

Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble them.

Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors, so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

Disassemble, inspect and reassemble your lawnmower every week.

On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off.

On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed until Monday.

Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack".

Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.

Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".

Have your mother-in-law write, wife and kids all write down everything they are going to do the following day, then have them stand in your back yard at 7 a. m. at "quarters" and read the lists to you.

Have all family members submit special request chits asking permission any time they want to leave the house before 7 a.m. or return to the house after 1030 p.m. (1130 p.m. on weekends).

Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not.

Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly soak every 5th item in salt water before delivering it to you.

Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.

When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle stations.

Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.

Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.

Twice a week, set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the back yard and uncoil the garden hose. Pretend to fight a fire. Go back to bed.

Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they conduct the rescue.

Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand security watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time. Make sure they keep a log, noting the passing of the snow plow, joggers and street sweepers, arrival/departure of the mailman, pizza delivery boy, meter readers and UPS man. ANY time an official vehicle passes (police, dogcatcher, utility repairs) they should render honors and inform you, no matter what time of day or night.

Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

Cut off the square back pockets of your jeans and sew them on the front.

Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the seediest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.

Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "special liberty". At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has to be canceled because of "operational priorities"....and, they need to get ready for another inspection anyway, so it will be another two weeks before they can even leave the house.

Now, are you all ready to go back to sea?

[thehat101]

WAsnt in the Navy but can apply most of that to my Army career.. Very funny and a little too true

[anton]

uh... I was a boy scout.

[Iceman]

Wow!! That was deja vu all over again...
Very funny and also very true. The only thing missing was to post a "Uniform of the Day" that cant be changed regardless of the weather. This way your wife wont spend 20 minutes deciding what to wear.

Anchors away!!

[JAX]

Don't forget....

- Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.

- Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same commode.




Ah, the joys of life at sea!!!

[Denahue]

You guys got showers??? And toilets??? WTF!!!

[olsaltybastard]

No matter how sick you are or what ails you or any member of your family, give them 800mg of Motrin. If they continue to complain, break out the suppositories.

Whatever meat is not eaten at lunch, mix with rice and call it "Dirty Rice". Whatever dirty rice is left over, add lots of water and call it soup. Whatever soup is uneaten, drain the water, add sugar, and call it rice pudding.

Report anyone smoking on the fantail, unless the Admiral is holding one of his cigar parties back there. Then, pretend it's OK. No, the Admiral will not invite you if you are enlisted. Navy officers despise sweating or anyone that does.


USS Independence 1994-1998 AIMD