Bet you can't laugh.......Taser for sale, Cheap!

[Dickson-cl]

Taser Classic...don' t tell me you can read this
Without laughing...
(Only a guy would do this!)
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a
Little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
Loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was Disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND Pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.. Awe some!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
Spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions
And thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong??
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading g lasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
Major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for
the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... That hurt like heck!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

[happy1]

oflmao:oflmao:oflmao:oflmao:oflmao: I almost pissed myself

[Itsme-Speedy-G]

ok I peed a little. do u know that is so funny, b'cuz we can visualize it. from personal experience, I've rode the buffalo for 5 seconds w/ fish hooks

[dartfrog]

Oh about 10 yrs or so, hell maybe 15 I was curious as to what was inside one of those kodak disposable flash cameras.:baffled:
Oh , cool a real live duracell AA batery. What a waste I think I'll keep it. Well first lets see how it works , click this, oooh here's that cool buzz sound its a charging. ok let me flash the bulb with this contact here

[Cigar Jack-cl]

I've got directions on how to turn those disposable cameras into a mild taser.

[Itsme-Speedy-G]

In my first post, "ride the buffalo" means to get tasered. The cycle from the police version is 5 LONG seconds. And yes your testicals do hide for a while.

[chubzerous]

Ok Dickson fess up it was really you wasn't it.......

I have seen these things on videos enough to know I do not want any part of it.
Mike, I have seen those hooks up close. They are nasty even if there was no shock involved!

[Itsme-Speedy-G]

Originally Posted by chubzerous

Ok Dickson fess up it was really you wasn't it.......

I have seen these things on videos enough to know I do not want any part of it.
Mike, I have seen those hooks up close. They are nasty even if there was no shock involved!

after 5 seconds of 50,000 Volts at .4Mah, the hooks are the least of your problems:arghhhh::arghhhh:

[Itsme-Speedy-G]

Taser spokesman

Don't Tase me Bro!!:teacher:

Don't Tase me Bro, the Remix!

[mrgatorman]

Um damn funny...holy crap...I was sure he was going to tase the cat...but the cat must have looked at him as if to say...here it comes...."Dont tase me bro"

[Craig]

Aw man, that was a great story and I loved the youtube clips.

[nativetexan_1]

Now, that's great. I once asked my wife to shock me with a cattle prod just to see what it felt like. She wouldn't do it, but my daughter had no such squimish feelings. Turns out it was NOTHING like your story.

[Matrioux]

Originally Posted by Cigar Jack

I've got directions on how to turn those disposable cameras into a mild taser.

Do Post, Do Post !!