Chuck Norris

[adamh_25_]

I've got some good Chuck Norris Facts I thought were great. I laughed so hard in the computer lab between classes i was crying and it hurt to breath....had to stop reading half way through so i wouldnt disrupt people haha. Enjoy.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

OK I'm gonna stop there...there are thousands more....so if you want em.....ill get em.
Enjoy.
Adam

[Warhorse545]

http://boortz.com/more/funny/jack_bauer_truths.html


Lets not forget about Jack Bauer.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then you better believe it's beef.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

Let's get one thing straight: the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better do it.

Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.

When Jack Bauer pissses into the wind, the wind changes direction.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the hell have you done with your life?

Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

Jack Bauer killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're f***ing dead."

Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why there's no life on Mars.

Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.

It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.

If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"

Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.

After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.

Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

[adamh_25_]

hahaha...I've never heard any Jack Bauer ones...all funny as well.
Adam

[Alpedhuez55]

I was always partial to Chuck Norris sleeps with a light on, not because he is afraid of the dark, but because darkness is afraid of Chuck Norris.

[Warhorse545]

Originally Posted by Alpedhuez55

I was always partial to Chuck Norris sleeps with a light on, not because he is afraid of the dark, but because darkness is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Seen him in person today. Kinda looked like a mummy old worn out and not in make up. Go to get a meal and run into Chuck and have to say excuse me to get him to move so I could refill my drink. He could still prob kick my booty tho


Stacey

[cquon]

When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror, he is twice as dangerous.

[Alpedhuez55]

Originally Posted by Warhorse545

Seen him in person today. Kinda looked like a mummy old worn out and not in make up. Go to get a meal and run into Chuck and have to say excuse me to get him to move so I could refill my drink. He could still prob kick my booty tho


Stacey

Well, he is 66. At least he is not having all kinds of Plastic Surgery to try to look 35 again.

[Warhorse545]

Originally Posted by Alpedhuez55

Well, he is 66. At least he is not having all kinds of Plastic Surgery to try to look 35 again.

Might be the miles and not the age. Sad tho Shorter then I thought he would be. But I aint calling him out


Stacey

[Kiwi Michelle]

at 66 i don't imagine that he would be doing too much fighting anymore - or is he??????? You should have called him gay stacey and seen what happened!!

[Alpedhuez55]

Originally Posted by Kiwi Michelle

at 66 i don't imagine that he would be doing too much fighting anymore - or is he??????? You should have called him gay stacey and seen what happened!!

Well, he is still doing about a movie a year but is not doing as much stunt work as he used to. But he still throws a mean kick.

Maybe if Stacy called him gay, he would started to bang his trophy wife. I think he married a girl about half his age a few years ago.

[LSU_Stogie]

Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer, too bad Chuck Norris never cries.

[mike32312]

Chuck Norris is the only man to beat Bruce Lee in a Karate Tournament. Course he only won 1 out of 3 rounds.
http://www.fightingmaster.com/master...elee/chuck.htm

Cool video clip

http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...q=chuck+norris

[Simon Templar]

Chuck Norris is awesome. I have always been a HUGE fan. One of the main reasons is hes not an arrogant &%$# like alot of other movie stars. He always stays after at tournaments to talk to kids and sign autographs.Anyone who does that is ok in my book. Great Post man!!!! I laughed my ass off!!!

[Nerachnia]

Thos Jack Bower ones were the best MAde me check up on when the show coems back on.

[12stones]

Originally Posted by adamh_25_

hahaha...I've never heard any Jack Bauer ones...all funny as well.
Adam

Most of them were ripped off from Chuck Norris ones. Still funny though.