A walk on the wild side.....

[SeanGAR]

Wednesday I faced something nobody wants to face: a 10 hour drive and only 2 small cigars (SCDH El Principe and a Gran Habano No. 5 Rothschild). I buckled down, got a crappy coffee and started my drive. A waited a full 5 minutes before breaking into the Gran Habano. Nice little cigar. 45 minutes later I started the SCDH. I know, I amazed myself at my restraint too. 85 minutes into the drive I was cigar-less. I knew I could hold out, I mean really, I don't smoke at all while I'm asleep, and that is usually 7 hours, so I can make 7 hours more driving, right?

It was somewhere in Tennessee that I broke down. I drive like this: stop only for gas when at 1/8 tank, pee, coffee, off I go. Well, there I was in central Tennessee, getting my coffee, when I spied them. Oh no, nothing as civilized as backwoods, the best looking cigar there was Swisher Sweets cigarillos Tips .... $2.05 plus tax later a 5 pak was mine.

I admired the wrapper while accelerating to 85 ... beautiful textured brown paper, just like the stuff the butchers used in the old days. I lovingly removed the cello, clear as a bell, I think these cigars have aged for at least 2 weeks. I looked at the plastic tip. Hmmmm......looks like some part of a tampon or something. Quite feminine really.....not something I expect construction workers or firemen would get into. But I was cruising and I figured, hell, why not.

I pulled over, carefully avoiding the 18 wheeleres whizzing by as I made my way to the trunk. I knew it was in there someplace......I always have some.....ah, there it was in the back, I pulled it out and got back in the driver seat. Just then I heard "take a walk on the wild side" on the radio. I took the duct that that had removed from the trunk, unwrapped 8 inches, and taped it to my chest. I did it again. I grabbed the end and ripped my hairs out. I did my chest. I used the tweezers from my Swiss army knife to pluck my eyebrows. I used M&Ms to color my lips red.

I was ready.

Plucked her eyebrows on the way
Shaved her legs and then he was a she
She says hey babe, take a walk on the wild side
Said hey honey, take a walk on the wild side


I took a draw on the Swisher. Sweet taste of artificial flavors .... a hint of 7 year of madagascar vanilla and bubble gum asailed my senses. I lit it up.

For a second....a nanosecond really, I almost got the impression that there might actually be tobacco in the Swisher. Fleetingly brief as it was, I was not prepared for the tastes that I found in the Swisher. After half an inch I had had enough. Lynyrd Skynyrd was back on the radio, I wiped the red coloring from my lips, and I farted. The Swisher went out the window just as I saw a coal-fired power plant. The other cigars went into the garbage at my next fill up.

Visuals: Injection molded plastic tip reminiscent of tampon. Well done paper wrapper, slight texturing. To call this short filler would be an understatement. Microfiller?

Pre-light taste: Bubble gum and other fake flavors.

Initial smoke impressions: Crap, I should have bought Marlboros. I smoked it almost an inch before disgust got the best of me.

Lesson learned: Don't drive anywhere without adequate smokes.

[MoTheMan]

Originally Posted by SeanGAR

Lesson learned: Don't drive anywhere without adequate smokes.

Amen brother.

[AAlmeter]

Thats why I still like Copenhagen, I may be a toothless redneck, but in a pinch, I can have a pinch instead of Swishers....plus it gets me my nicotine during the long bus rides for lacrosse.

[miketafc]

Great Review - You were too kind in your analysis.

Caught in the same jam on a fly fishing trip in Montana. As you read your story I tasted them all over again. Horrible.

I also bought some backwoods cigars and actually they wern't that bad, that is for being in Wolf Creek, Montana anyway.

[TheSmokingHiker]

Great review. The funny part is that several of my friends smoke them. I dont know how they do it.

[Da Klugs]

Your out there man. Layinit on the line for our enjoyment. Keep em coming.

[galaga]

I know what you're thinking, 'cause right now I'm thinking the same thing. Actually, I've been thinking it ever since I got here: Why oh why didn't I take the BLUE pill?

Ya shoudda got the backwoods:

Acoording to the local cubanophile IHT:

"[I] tore the pouch open, could instantly smell that heavily "imbued" flavor, almost like one of those rum or chocolate flavored cigars. grabbed one, sopping wet. no, not a very "oily sheen", and i didn't see any "plume" either. very soft to the touch. i wouldn't say "spongy", i'd say "mush".
went to grab my xikar punch, but hey, these bastards are already cut for ya!! the great american way, lazy corksuckers. pulled out my cuban cohiba refillable butane adjustable lighter that i got in germany (still the best damn lighter i own - all for 1.50 Euros). "roasted the shaggy foot", as it's a very short filler cigar and smashed halfway to hell, so a little bit is hanging out the end. initial tastes were kinda cherry, chocolatey, and like a rum soaked cigar... so, i guess that would make this ONE COMPLEX LITTLE SMOKE!?"

The whole reveiw is in this post
http://www.clubstogie.com/vb/showthr...ight=backwoods

Maybe you guys could get a box pass going

Doot da doot da doot
Doot da doot

funny post SG

[SeanGAR]

Originally Posted by galaga

Ya shoudda got the backwoods:

Yea, I would have gotten backwoods if they had them, I remember the morning nookie post all too well....a real classic- LOL.

[kansashat]

Originally Posted by AAlmeter

Thats why I still like Copenhagen, I may be a toothless redneck, but in a pinch, I can have a pinch instead of Swishers....plus it gets me my nicotine during the long bus rides for lacrosse.

It's them little wussy Skoal Bandits for me.

[shelvingunit]

Originally Posted by SeanGAR

Lesson learned: Don't drive anywhere without adequate smokes.

Thanks for the review, I'll always make sure to pack accordingly.

[Roger Miller"]

Originally Posted by SeanGAR

I wiped the red coloring from my lips, and I farted.

Lesson learned: Don't drive anywhere without adequate smokes.

Not sure why you would have wiped off your lipstick -- i bet you looked real cute!

Great lesson, thanks for sharing the horrors of making this mistake.

_____
rm

[singlguy9]

Originally Posted by SeanGAR

For a second....a nanosecond really, I almost got the impression that there might actually be tobacco in the Swisher. Fleetingly brief as it was, I was not prepared for the tastes that I found in the Swisher. After half an inch I had had enough. Lynyrd Skynyrd was back on the radio, I wiped the red coloring from my lips, and I farted. The Swisher went out the window just as I saw a coal-fired power plant. The other cigars went into the garbage at my next fill up.

nice review

ROFLMMFGO!!!!!!

[floydp]

hmmmmmmm red lips on a Crotchety geezer. Isn't that appealing? Great review Sean..

[G-Man]

Now that was funny!

It always amazes me at all of the new strange flavor combination cigars they sell at the gas station food marts.

[Redman]

I have to agree with everything that has been said here. I have a Captain at wrok that all he will smoke is balck cherry swishers or the equivelent. just the smell of the crap in the air nearly neauseats me! Did you come through West Tennessee on the trip? If you did and I would have known I could have hooked you up with some for the rest of the trip.